Election 2012

Twelve years ago, I remember falling asleep watching election results because the presidential election had not yet been called for either candidate.  That was an outcome that would not be known for several more weeks after a Supreme Court ruling.  I hope that tonight does not end up the same way.  All of that being said, go vote if you have not already.  If you're not registered, then poo on you.  You don't get to complain about the turn of events tonight.

As most people know, I am a President Obama supporter.  I even had my car vandalized because of it.  I consider myself pretty darn liberal, much to the chagrin of some family members.  People have different reasons they find important.  Some people believe the economy is the most important factor, some immigration, some foreign policy/the War in Afghanistan, others LGBTQIA or equal rights issues, the environment, reproductive rights, or religious freedom.

I know that some people (mostly older, mostly Republican) think that young people who vote Democrat will eventually "come to their senses" and vote Republican as they age.  Those people think that someone like myself doesn't care about the correct or appropriate issues and don't bother to research policy stances on the ones we do find important.  While I know that some people my age will switch parties and ways of thinking as they get older, I don't think I will.  The issues that matter to me right now will remain the issues that I continue to care about for the rest of my life.  Others may find those issues trivial or frivolous or "pie in the sky"/idealistic, but to me, they make up who I am.

I stand with President Obama for four more years, not because I agree with him on every issue (because, I assure you, I have disagreed with his stances or approaches many times), but because I believe he cares about ME.  Me as a student, as a woman, as a member and supporter of the LGBTQIA community, as a person who has taken enough environmental science/studies classes to know to be concerned, as a member of the 47% of Americans that don't pay taxes, as a sister to two veterans, as an aunt to two beautiful little boys, as a daughter to four parents who will eventually be senior citizens and retired, as a citizen of the United States of America.

You may not understand the issues I care about, agree with them, or even see that they are issues, but, please, I beg of you, respect them.

Things I was "never" going to do

For some reason, I've been sitting here thinking about all the big milestones, events, and activities in my life that I said I would "never" do. You know, those clubs you'd never join, colleges you'd never attend, the things hell would have to freeze over for you to do. For example, I am deathly afraid of needles and never ever thought I'd get a tattoo, but I decided to face my fear and get one. I love music and I love hearts, so I got a treble clef and a bass clef in the shape of a heart. Not life-changing like my other "nevers" but still a biggie.


I was never going to be in Academic Decathlon...

Too many horror stories of the long hours and crazy workload. Whoops, lol. I was in Octathlon my sophomore year and AcDec junior and senior year. It helped prepare me for college and develop my study habits (or procrastination habits...).

I was never going to go to a private religious school for college...

Going to Baylor was an amazing experience. I met some of my best friends there, studied under great professors, and loved every minute of it. I am a Baylor Bear and proud to say so :)

I was never going to join a sorority...

Like, omg, I could never join something like that. One day though, I turned into pod-Lizzy and went to a Kappa Delta open house my sophomore year and never looked back. Best decision ever. I love my sorority and being a member of that specific chapter (in addition to being on council) taught me valuable lessons that I'll always take with me. If people ever ask if I "was" in a sorority, I'll say smile and say, "No, I am a Kappa Delta."

I was never ever in a million freaking years going to Texas A&M for any degree.

HOLY CRAP, HELL FROZE OVER Y'ALL...yes, I'm still a Baylor Bear, but I'm a weird, rare hybrid Bear-Aggie. Going to TAMU made fiscal sense for my Masters. In state tuition and all tha fun stuff. Since being here, I've made fantastic friends in my department because, let's get real, anthro people reall are the best kinds of people. Oh, and I met my boyfriend, but that wasn't that important or anything...

If I had gone to NC State, or UNC-W, or USF, or Columbia, I never would have met Andrew. I love him with all my heart and couldn't imagine not having him in my life. So, while I am begrundgingly an Aggie, I wouldn't change it for anything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't put so much weight on the word "never." I take it and use it more for emphasis rather than literal meaning. At one point, I never thought any of these previous things would have happened, let alone completely shape me into the person I am today. Look back and see what things you've said you'd never do. I wonder how many of those might change and end up changing you..

My Best Friend's Wedding

On Saturday, July 14^th 2012, my best friend married the man of her dreams—her best friend, her lover, the future father of her children, the person who will ALWAYS be able to reach whatever she needs on the top shelf (he’s 6’ 7”), the one person she will always be able to count on in good times and in bad.  I had the honor of being able to be a part of her special day as a bridesmaid and I am so thankful for it J

Many, if not most, people reading this know what Tiffany and I went through.  If you didn’t know either of us at the time, I talked about it in my very first post if you need a background summary.  Those six and a half months were the worst months of my life.  I felt like a shell of the person I used to be, unhappy and angry.  The turning point for both us had, actually, nothing to do with me.  Tiffany met Shane J Meeting him was the major turning point for her.  She realized that this is the type of guy she needed to be with…or exactly the guy she needed to be with.  She broke up with Chris, which set in motion a gradual road to recovery for our friendship and our very long overdue confrontation with Chris for both of us.  Without Shane, she and I would both still be miserable.  Maybe we would have gotten to where we are today, but I don’t know that for sure.   Shane was our saving grace.

Shane, she is yours now.  Yes, she still belongs to her friends and family, but most of all, she is yours.  Take care of her.  Love her even when she irrationally freaks out (I love you, Tiff).  Be prepared to get back to Texas the SECOND you are done with school.  Y’all are NOT having any Tennessee babies.

I wish y’all nothing but joy and happiness.  Thank you so much for letting me a part of y’all’s special day. I love you both J

The feeling I never want to feel again

That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you don't hear from them.  You worry, you're scared.  You don't want anything bad to have happened to them.  Then you get angry and frustrated.  It's not the first time this has happened.  It's gotten to be almost routine to not hear from them.  You should almost expect it.  You sit there and try to go about your day completely preoccupied, going back and forth between being worried about them and being angry with them.  Then finally, after you've been awake several hours, you hear from them.  First, a pathetic excuse of a text saying they just woke up and completely crashed from being exhausted.  Then, they say they're sorry (if they even do that) and say they have errands to run or tons of schoolwork to delve into.  They text sporadically throughout the day, disappearing and not responding for hours at a time.  You get to deal with their excuses and lies, trying to figure what to believe, what to ignore, and what to call them out on.  You usually believe most everything because they ALWAYS have great explanations, ignore very little, and call them out on even less.  Calling them out on the most egregious lies just leads to a fight with you being the one to apologize.  Why would you want to deal with it?  Ignoring it works just fine...

If you get a phone call that day, you feel like a princess.  The most important girl in the world.  They actually called you.  If there's no call, then there are at least some texts at night, with maybe, if you're lucky, a goodnight text.

Thrown in there is always placating "I'm sorry" and "I love you" texts to smooth everything over and to make you feel like everything is ok.  To not worry. To not be angry. To not give up...

I don't have to ever feel that feeling again.  I moved on and realize that I needed to be treated better.  Now, I don't have to wonder if he's lying to me, or hiding things from me.  I know he loves me.  He doesn't text that often because he's usually with me.  We talk on the phone even when he's not with me.  He loves me.

Academic Epiphany, Part Two: End of the Semester and Thesis Changes...Again

One year down on my Masters degree.  The grades are all in and I survived what was a pretty difficult semester.  Issues with professors, issues with content, and issues with procrastination made for an unpredictable outcome grade-wise.  I pulled it all together and came out unscathed.  I can say with no shame that I am happy with my B in ANTH 602 and hope to never have to take another archaeological method and theory class again.

If anyone out there has been keeping score while reading my blog, you will know I've been having trouble with my thesis topic.  I thought for sure that I had gotten it all straightened out.  I was going to study the effects of the Texas drought on the hunting industry.  Yes, kinks were still being hammered out, but research topics are always in a sort of fluctuation, being melded and molded every which way until its absolutely perfect.  I thought that was the stage I was in.  After the end of the semester calmed down, I emailed my adviser essentially asking what my next step should be.  I wasn't sure if he wanted to meet with me to work out a summer game plan or if an email would suffice.  In the email, I *may* have alluded to being stressed out about the whole researching and writing a thesis thing, so he knew I was having reservations about my topic but understood that I wanted to be working on something.  I really hate sitting around doing nothing.  I have a whole stack of recreation/non-school related/fun books to read this summer to keep me occupied.  In addition to reading and working at the law firm again this summer (which I am always eternally grateful that they let me come back year after year), I wanted to make some headway in my thesis, which I couldn't do until something was finalized.  

Fast forward to today at 3 pm.  We have finalization!  I have a real thesis topic!  Hallelujah! 

Ok, yes, the topic is different, BUT, in my defense, it is a topic I've (somewhat) worked on before in a class in the fall: ANTH 604 with my advisor, to be more specific.  I'm no longer looking at the Texas drought and hunting.  I'm not looking at the US at all even.  In addition to completely changing locales and topics, my research style is changing.  No field research...which is comforting and scary at the same time.  I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and do field research, but I think that doing archival and literature review research will ultimately be what is best for me.  

The new topic feels better to me.  My research is still a comparative study, but now, it is focused on two different areas affected by earthquakes and tsunamis (Indonesia/Thailand [which one is still being worked out] and Japan).  I'm focusing on disaster modeling and how the two areas/countries were affected and reacted differently after the disasters struck.  A huge curve ball to all of this is the pesky nuclear reactor problem that Japan has, but it'll add an interesting perspective to how it was affected differently.  

Even after changing my topic (again), I'm still scared.  Laying this all out in this post has me nervous (again).  What if I lose focus again and start to over-think and over-analyze my entire research project?  I think it really comes down to me worrying that I'll fail and not be able to complete this.  I don't want to let anyone down, especially myself.  I've never really embarked on anything of this magnitude and it scares the crap out of me.  Luckily, I've already found some articles to start reading.  I downloaded a 500 page book, chapter by chapter, so 1) I wouldn't have to buy it and 2) so it could write/highlight/underline on it.  

I need to stop second-guessing myself.  I need to just jump in and start reading the preliminary lit that I've found and that my advisor recommended.  I have to start somewhere.

Academic Epiphany--Thesis Edition

I've been struggling all semester with figuring out my thesis topic and narrowing it down.  The more I talk to my advisor and my committee members, the more they tell me that it is still too broad.  They're worried that without focusing it down, I won't do an adequate job and/or will never finish my Masters.  I agree with them, but I keep hitting walls.  Do I look at purely municipal data?  No, because I'm an anthropologist and I want the humanistic aspect to my research.  I can't ask a water table or a reservoir how they're personally coping with the drought.  The municipal data is important and it will be included but it's not going to be the focus.  I'm not looking at purely how the towns I've chosen have coped as a whole; it'll only be part of it.

Today, I've been looking at one of the towns' local newspapers for articles on the drought and related topics, and I realized that I need to find some part of the town to focus on.  Ok, it's a realization I keep having, but I finally had information in front of me to figure it out.  (I usually have grand realizations when I have no paper, pen, or computer, and I'm usually about to fall asleep and promptly forget everything.)  I kept noticing ads on the side panel of the newspaper website for hunting stuff.  Then it hit me.  Hunting is HUGE in Texas.  Not so much for me, but I couldn't believe I hadn't thought about it before.  The animals have been severely impacted by the drought, so I'm going to guess the hunting industry has too.

I'm not a hunter.  My family doesn't hunt.  I don't even particularly like guns, but the more I'm thinking about this idea, the more I think it can work.  It's more focused.  I can look at the hunting businesses in the towns and talk to local citizens who are hunters.  I can find out their perceptions on the drought and how they have coped with it.  I can see how hunting season was affected last year before it started raining in 2012.  Just by doing a two-second Google search, I've found that some people were happy about the drought affecting feral pig populations because they're so rampant in Texas.

Y'all, am I crazy to try and tackle this particular route?  Does anyone have suggestions?  Anything is appreciated.

Why Alcohol and Politics Don't Mix

I mentioned it on Facebook and Twitter Sunday morning, but here's the full story (with pictures at the end) on what happened.

For those of you who have never been to College Station (or who haven't been in 25+ years), there is a part of town, right across the street from campus on University Dr., called Northgate.  It's the part of town with a lot of bars, a few restaurants, and, nightly every weekend, lots of drunk Aggies.  I was out with a few friends and Andrew at the local pub, O'Bannons, drinking, people watching, and just generally hanging out.  In the center of Northgate, across the street from where we were drinking, there is a numbered parking lot where many people park.  It's a high traffic area for vehicles and pedestrians walking to their cars, other establishments, or home.

Andrew and I only paid for two hours and I still needed to read and study, so we didn't want to stay out late.  We said our good-byes and headed back to my car a little before 12:30.  We were in my car because I was wearing a dress and hate climbing in and out of his truck while wearing one (it's not lady-like...and I'm sooooo not graceful).  Andrew was driving home though.  When we get in the car, I looked back and thought my back window had condensation on it because it was so clouded...but there was super low humidity and no condensation anywhere else...I started to freak out and said "Oh my God, is my back window shattered?"  Andrew told me to stay in the car and he got out.  I didn't listen and got out too because I was freaking out.  My back window was shattered!  He went and found a bicycle cop but I knew that were was going to be no point.  No cameras and with thousands of drunk people walking around, no one would be caught.  My back window was shattered because a beer bottle full of dip/chew spit was throw at it from, probably, the sidewalk or road running behind where we parked.  The point of impact was obvious.  The spit was all down my car, and the broken bottle was shattered by my driver's side window.

I wish that it had been a freak drunk idiot, blinding throwing his gross bottle full of spit, but it wasn't.  It's not really a surprise to anyone that know me that I'm a Democrat.  I may not bring it up in certain situations, but if you've ever kept tabs of my online or in school, you'd know.  I'm not ashamed of being a Democrat.  I have an Obama 2012 bumper sticker, a Texans for Obama sticker, and an HRC sticker.  The bottle was thrown because of the first two stickers.  (Side note: I'm almost certain that most Aggie bumpkins don't have a clue what the HRC, let alone what the blue and yellow equal sign sticker means, so I don't think it contributed.)

Both my parents agree that I should probably take the stickers off my car...and I agree.  I hate that I have to.  I hate that I can't express my views without my vehicle being vandalized.  If you disagree with me, then let's have a civilized discussion/debate.  I am vehemently opposed to many Republican figures/politicians/candidates, but I'm not going to vandalize something because of it.  It just frustrates me so much.

If you disagree with other's views, don't be a dick about it.  That may be crude, but it's true.  Be respectful, be open to listening.  You may not come to a understanding, but you can at least agree to disagree and be okay about it.  Ugh, I'll get off my soapbox now...here are the pics.

Oh, and I got it fixed today so all is well...

EDIT: (like 20 minutes after I originally posted this) I want to thank my wonderful boyfriend for carting me around all day yesterday and today.  He's such a sweetheart, such a trooper, and didn't even complain.  He's a keeper :)

Spring Break Recap

I just got back from grocery shopping and, I've got to say, shopping after being gone for a week sucks.  Eating today before shopping was even worse.  No milk for cereal, no bread for toast or a sandwich, no veggies, no fruit, no nothing.  Now my pantry and fridge is all stocked and it all looks delicious :)

I had a whirlwind week, but I can safely say it was amazing.  Two weekends ago, I got to see a ton of people in a very short amount of time, and I got to have Andrew by my side for all of it.  Dinner and drinks with Oscar downtown Saturday, Brunch with Laura and Jenny Sunday, and dinner with my mom, my bestie, and all my mom's adopted kids (all my high school friends).  Those jam packed two days were just the beginning of the best spring break I've had.  The only sad part was having to leave my cat with my dad for a week, but he was super glad to see me last night when we finally got home and he was even good in the car on the way back to College Station.

Back in December, Andrew asked me to travel to Denver with him over Spring Break to meet his sister and brother-in-law.  Ever since, I was super excited and nervous at the same time.  He had met most of my family already, but this was going to be the first time for me meeting anyone of his.  I was worrying and nervous for nothing because his sister and brother-in-law are super laid back, incredibly nice, and really awesome people to spend time with.  Their house is beautiful and Denver as a whole is a gorgeous place to live.

We watched a TON of basketball while we were there (March Madness, duh) and we all took solace in each other's company as we lamented the utter beating our brackets took.  They were sad Harvard lost, Andrew was sad Montana lost, and I was happy that Baylor won (twice, but who's counting?).  Friday night, we watched Beauty and the Beast on stage in downtown Denver, Saturday we went to the St. Patrick's Day Parade and walked around LoDo (Lower Downtown), and that night, we went to the Nuggets vs. Celtics game.  Sunday, Andrew and I went to Red Rocks Park/Amphitheater, which was absolutely stunning.  It kind of sucked though because I am definitely not used to that high of altitude.  I was sitting down trying to not die while little kids were running around me and a hundred people were exercising, running up and down the rows of seats.  Jerks...anyway...

After Red Rocks, we went on the Coors Brewery tour which was really cool.  I had never been to a brewery before and free beer is always nice.  No pics from the brewery because I suck at remembering to take pictures (sober or otherwise).  The last stop of the day was a Mediterranean restaurant in downtown Boulder.  We met up with a couple Andrew knew from undergrad and had dinner with them and a few of their friends.  The food and company was fantastic.  It was cool to get to talk with people who have known Andrew for so long, and I discovered bacon-wrapped dates should be a staple at every meal.  So delicious.

Yesterday, we flew back to Texas, got in around 10 pm, drove back to get my cat, and then drove back to  College Station...needless to say, it was a long long day.

All in all, it was the best Spring Break I've ever had.  I got to spend it with the man I love and got to meet people (family and friends) he cares about.  

Now it's back to the daily grind of grad school.  At least I have my cat and man at my side for it :)

I hate packing

I hate packing for trips, especially when I'm flying.  If you're driving in the car, you have more room for stuff, so there's a less chance you'll forget something.  But when you're flying, you have limited space, limited weight, and limitless opportunity to forget something really important.

I also hate packing to move.  While I'm really excited to be moving at the end of the summer, I am NOT looking forward to packing my stuff.  I am a firm believer that once the stuff you own finds out you're moving, it starts to asexually reproduce.  "How did I end up with 6 rolls of duct tape? Did I really have this many bottles of body spray? Why do I have so many sticky note pads?!? I have too many books..."  Packing will be interesting, but luckily, my wonderful boyfriend will help me out if I need it.  I'm glad that I will be moving into the new apartment first,  (Our leases are a few weeks off from each other) so I get to unpack first.  PINK EVERYWHERE.  Haha, no.  I told him that I wouldn't decorate without his input.  It'll just be less stress to get most of my unpacking done without having to deal with twice as much stuff and boxes being in the way.  As long as Andrew doesn't unpack everything I own indiscriminately while he's helping me without even bothering to put it away before he unpacked the next box, we'll be ok.  Luckily, he's not neurotic like everyone I'm related to by blood and/or marriage.  Don't get me wrong, I love all of my parents to death, but they are all four a perfect storm of awesome craziness.

Also, I'll pay people to help me move my stuff (it'll just be in CS, so nothing like my last move) with gas money (if you don't live in B/CS and come help me move), pizza, and beer.

My cat is going to be so freaked out during the move though...freakout and thoroughly disgruntled.  Wait until he finds out we're probably getting a dog too.  Eeeps, I'll just deal with that when it comes :)

Surgery and Really Offensive Television Shows

While you may think I'm talking about Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, or Toddlers and Tiaras, I'm actually talking about two TV shows each called "American Diggers" (Spike TV) and "Diggers" (National Geographic).  As a student of Anthropology, these shows are an offensive to the entire academic field.  These shows glorify looting and there are people dumb enough to emulate what they see.  That's the part that scares me.  How much archaeological, historical, and cultural information will be disturbed, destroyed, and sold for profit?  At the end of my post, I have two links, each a petition against each show.  I encourage you to please sign these petitions.  

In addition to finding about these TV shows today, I also had a doctor's appointment this morning for my knees.  I've had really bad knees ever since high school and I've even been to an orthopedic doctor two years ago, but I only got physical therapy then.  Two years later, they still hurt and I want to see what's wrong.  After some x-rays, the doctor tells me my knee caps are weird.  He sounded much more eloquent when he said it, but that's the gist of what he said.  That and my cartilage. He recommended an MRI to get a better look at what's going on in my knees and then go from there.  Depending on what he sees, I might have to get surgery, which would suck.  I'll keep everyone updated so no worries.  

http://www.change.org/petitions/stop-spike-tv-from-looting-our-collective-past

http://www.change.org/petitions/national-geographic-society-wwwnationalgeographiccom-stop-airing-the-television-show-diggers

Progress

I just texted this to my best friend Tiffany (the one that has suffered at the hands of my ex-boyfriend as well):

"My ex (name was in the text but omitted for the Internet) and I walked right past each other and he either didn't recognize me or just ignored me. Regardless, I'm fine. No panicked feeling, heart sinking nausea. Nothing. If we weren't on opposite sides of the street or he actually tried to talk to me, I might feel different but I feel fine :)"

So yeah, good times. It also didn't hurt that I look good today. Just sayin'.

Making Changes That Count

The past year and half has been insane with the amount of changes and random s**t that's happened to me.  Between relationship stuff, best friend stuff, school stuff, and family stuff (break-ups, new relationships, loss of friend, reconnecting with said friend, graduating, starting grad school, parents moving to CHINA [or Pennsylvania]), my life has been a little hectic.  Because of all that, or maybe just in addition to all that, I've gained weight and I am not happy about it.

Now, I'm not saying I gained a crazy amount of weight or look like I ate a small child or anything, but I don't weigh what I did in high school and it bugs me (<-- understatement).  Last year, I tried to get healthier/lose weight but it didn't really work and this summer just blew any progress I had made out of the water.  However, I'm a lot more committed this time around.  Yeah, I want to lose weight, but losing inches and feeling better about myself will still be just as awesome.  Being healthier in the long run is what ultimately matters to me.

I've been working out 4-5 times a week since the beginning of January and have been eating a lot better and a lot less.  I joined a website called myfitnesspal.com to help keep track of my calories and exercise, and I really like it.  I use the web version and the iPhone app.  Most recently, I got Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD in the mail this week and have done it for the past two days.  Holy balls, I'm so freaking sore, but it's what I need.  I'm whipping my butt into shape :)  hopefully, I'll start to finally see some results, and hopefully after that, other people will start to notice too.

Weird Dreams Make for a Weird Day

Isn't he cute? :) This was him begging for food at about midnight last night.  He's gotten much more vocal since we moved to College Station.  He hardly ever meowed, but now he does several times a day: to wake me up to feed him and every time I'm in the kitchen.

I got a lot of good feedback on my first blog post.  I'm sorry it was so long.  I really just needed to get the word vomit out and done with on the first posting.  I purposely didn't name my ex, but I know a majority of people reading this either know his name or personally know him/have met him.

When I woke up today, I had a feeling it was going to be odd.  Not bad...just weird.  It's been normal so far so we'll see...and no, I'm not describing my dreams on here.  Still processing them, I think.

I just want to close with a very short rant.  I HATE the term "Santorum Surge."  I watch a ton of political commentary, political shows, and news and everyone says it and it bugs me to no end.  Not only because of the "definition" of Santorum (google it if you don't know what I'm talking about, or click here http://spreadingsantorum.com/), but because I just don't like him.  Oh well.  I'll survive.  Luckily, this primary season has been CRAZY and oh so much fun to watch.

And here's a favorite picture of mine...

(http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=1404&bih=721&tbm=isch&tbnid=-gzWjMAZgXJs6M:&imgrefurl=http://www.democraticunderground.com/101710530&docid=OCxRTxcrlG_rJM&imgurl=https://p.twimg.com/Ak2BPu_CEAE317D.jpg&w=450&h=300&ei=j_1DT6fSC8242QW4meCOCA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=213&vpy=167&dur=1690&hovh=183&hovw=275&tx=160&ty=81&sig=102936972403617438308&page=1&tbnh=158&tbnw=261&start=0&ndsp=17&ved=0CEYQrQMwAA)

Obligatory First Post

I'm already on my second semester of graduate school, and I feel as if I've been here forever and as if I just got here, all at the same time.

Oddly enough, today, would have been my 5th anniversary with my ex-boyfriend today.  I'm not posting this because I miss him, but because he is a constant worry on my mind.  I didn't come to Texas A&M to be with him.  I came because the price was right (in-state tuition) and because I have family and most of my friends in the state.  I grew up in Texas and don't really ever want to leave it. But being here at the same time as him is a nuisance and, like I said, a constant worry.  Every time I see a silver Xterra, I worry it's him.  9.5/10 it's not him.  Since I last spoke to him at the end of August/beginning of September, I've only seen him on campus once, seen him off campus once, and seen his car in Lot 50 (where 1000's of cars park everyday for class) a handful of times.  But, when it really comes down to it, if I was to see him again, I would just walk right past him.  I have no desire to have him back in my life in any way, shape or form.  He hurt me emotionally worse than I've ever been hurt before.  I think it's past the point of whether or not I'll ever forgive him.  I forgive him for what he did for me, for lying to me, treating me like I didn't matter and that I was an after-thought, for cheating on me with my best friend, for hiding that he was dating her when we actually broke up, for breaking me and my best friend up for 6 months, for leading me on for a year, making me think that he truly wanted to be with me and fix everything, but forgiving doesn't mean that I ever want him in my life again.

I used to say when I was with him that "I just want to be happy again."  I said that a lot during the last year I was with him/played his game.  My senior year of college was not a happy one in most regards because of him.  My attendance suffered in my classes from not wanting to get out of bed, from staying up all hours of the night, hoping he'd call or at least, text goodnight.  Not going to class led to my grades suffering.  All along, I just wanted it to get better and wanted to be happy again.  I thought that if I held on long enough, it would.  I thought that if I kept believing, kept hanging on, he would break up with her like he kept saying he would, that he would live up to everything he always told me.  But he never did.  He never lived up to any promises.  He never visited like he said he would.  He never broke up with her because he wanted his options open.  While I miserable waiting for him to leave her, she was miserable with him.  He was doing the same to her, treating her like garbage, but the only difference was they were technically together in a relationship.  I didn't know any of this, of course, because we weren't talking.

I was never happy.  I fooled myself in to believing that if I held on, it would get better and we would be the ideal couple we always wanted to be.  I was going to A&M for grad school, he was going there (still) for his undergrad.  It was going to be perfect...but I knew it wasn't.

Then summer came.  I had my best friend back.  I couldn't stand not talking any more so I texted her.  Then we texted some more and the rest is history.  Now she's getting married (to a MUCH better guy who actually likes her and wants to be around her) and I'm going to be a bridesmaid :).  I had just graduated college, had my degree, and was hanging out back home for a few months before I moved to B/CS.  An apartment full of people saved me from myself and from my depression: Ryan, Lasko, Crystal, and Jeremy.  Without them...I don't know how my summer would have been.  It should have been the worst summer of my life, with all the horrible things going on between me and my ex: being strung along and lied to (but not knowing it yet).  But despite all that, they made it great.  They distracted me from my worrying about my ex in the best ways possible: drinking, video games, and lots and lots of laughing.  I've been friends with them since high school and I know I'll be friends with them for many many more years to come.

Once I got to B/CS, the happiness of summer wore off.  "He lives here" was always in the back of my mind and I hated it.  The end of summer proved the last straw for me and my ex.  While I've described a lot on here already, I won't describe the final showdown.  Not on this post at least...it was over, for real, for good.  But I was still depressed.  I felt inadequate and that I wasn't going to be able to find anyone.  After being with someone that emotionally traumatizing, it makes you feel like damaged goods that no one is going to want to try and fix.  I was a mess.  No boyfriend, but most of all, no friends.  Not knowing anyone in a city really messes with you. All I could do was hope to make it.

Classes helped, but I was still depressed during the first week.  I was going to make an appointment at the counseling center, when I decided to wait.  I'd go to the Anthro grad student mixer and hopefully meet people.  I just wanted to make friends.  Desperately so.  I didn't go to the grad mixer looking for a man.  I almost didn't go at all...but I did.  And it was a very very good decision to say the least...

I met Andrew there :) I connected with my friends there :) Baylor won against TCU :)  I started healing that night.

I found a group of close friends that have kept me sane, even though we may drive each other a little batty at times (sorry, Josh, lol).  I found a guy that genuinely wants to spend time with me.  That's new for me.  He doesn't give me token visits or excuses about being busy.  He doesn't screen my calls or texts.  He doesn't pick fights for no reason.  He just wants to spend time together and be with ME.  He tells me that he just wants to make me happy.  And he does.  He makes me so happy :)  I'm finally happy again, and I feel happier than I ever have before.  I love him, and he sincerely loves me.  Everything feels right in the world again for the first time in an incredibly long time.