Monday, May 28, 2012

The feeling I never want to feel again

That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you don't hear from them.  You worry, you're scared.  You don't want anything bad to have happened to them.  Then you get angry and frustrated.  It's not the first time this has happened.  It's gotten to be almost routine to not hear from them.  You should almost expect it.  You sit there and try to go about your day completely preoccupied, going back and forth between being worried about them and being angry with them.  Then finally, after you've been awake several hours, you hear from them.  First, a pathetic excuse of a text saying they just woke up and completely crashed from being exhausted.  Then, they say they're sorry (if they even do that) and say they have errands to run or tons of schoolwork to delve into.  They text sporadically throughout the day, disappearing and not responding for hours at a time.  You get to deal with their excuses and lies, trying to figure what to believe, what to ignore, and what to call them out on.  You usually believe most everything because they ALWAYS have great explanations, ignore very little, and call them out on even less.  Calling them out on the most egregious lies just leads to a fight with you being the one to apologize.  Why would you want to deal with it?  Ignoring it works just fine...

If you get a phone call that day, you feel like a princess.  The most important girl in the world.  They actually called you.  If there's no call, then there are at least some texts at night, with maybe, if you're lucky, a goodnight text.

Thrown in there is always placating "I'm sorry" and "I love you" texts to smooth everything over and to make you feel like everything is ok.  To not worry. To not be angry. To not give up...

I don't have to ever feel that feeling again.  I moved on and realize that I needed to be treated better.  Now, I don't have to wonder if he's lying to me, or hiding things from me.  I know he loves me.  He doesn't text that often because he's usually with me.  We talk on the phone even when he's not with me.  He loves me.

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