I just texted this to my best friend Tiffany (the one that has suffered at the hands of my ex-boyfriend as well):
"My ex (name was in the text but omitted for the Internet) and I walked right past each other and he either didn't recognize me or just ignored me. Regardless, I'm fine. No panicked feeling, heart sinking nausea. Nothing. If we weren't on opposite sides of the street or he actually tried to talk to me, I might feel different but I feel fine :)"
So yeah, good times. It also didn't hurt that I look good today. Just sayin'.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Making Changes That Count
The past year and half has been insane with the amount of changes and random s**t that's happened to me. Between relationship stuff, best friend stuff, school stuff, and family stuff (break-ups, new relationships, loss of friend, reconnecting with said friend, graduating, starting grad school, parents moving to CHINA [or Pennsylvania]), my life has been a little hectic. Because of all that, or maybe just in addition to all that, I've gained weight and I am not happy about it.
Now, I'm not saying I gained a crazy amount of weight or look like I ate a small child or anything, but I don't weigh what I did in high school and it bugs me (<-- understatement). Last year, I tried to get healthier/lose weight but it didn't really work and this summer just blew any progress I had made out of the water. However, I'm a lot more committed this time around. Yeah, I want to lose weight, but losing inches and feeling better about myself will still be just as awesome. Being healthier in the long run is what ultimately matters to me.
I've been working out 4-5 times a week since the beginning of January and have been eating a lot better and a lot less. I joined a website called myfitnesspal.com to help keep track of my calories and exercise, and I really like it. I use the web version and the iPhone app. Most recently, I got Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD in the mail this week and have done it for the past two days. Holy balls, I'm so freaking sore, but it's what I need. I'm whipping my butt into shape :) hopefully, I'll start to finally see some results, and hopefully after that, other people will start to notice too.
Now, I'm not saying I gained a crazy amount of weight or look like I ate a small child or anything, but I don't weigh what I did in high school and it bugs me (<-- understatement). Last year, I tried to get healthier/lose weight but it didn't really work and this summer just blew any progress I had made out of the water. However, I'm a lot more committed this time around. Yeah, I want to lose weight, but losing inches and feeling better about myself will still be just as awesome. Being healthier in the long run is what ultimately matters to me.
I've been working out 4-5 times a week since the beginning of January and have been eating a lot better and a lot less. I joined a website called myfitnesspal.com to help keep track of my calories and exercise, and I really like it. I use the web version and the iPhone app. Most recently, I got Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD in the mail this week and have done it for the past two days. Holy balls, I'm so freaking sore, but it's what I need. I'm whipping my butt into shape :) hopefully, I'll start to finally see some results, and hopefully after that, other people will start to notice too.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Weird Dreams Make for a Weird Day
I got a lot of good feedback on my first blog post. I'm sorry it was so long. I really just needed to get the word vomit out and done with on the first posting. I purposely didn't name my ex, but I know a majority of people reading this either know his name or personally know him/have met him.
When I woke up today, I had a feeling it was going to be odd. Not bad...just weird. It's been normal so far so we'll see...and no, I'm not describing my dreams on here. Still processing them, I think.
I just want to close with a very short rant. I HATE the term "Santorum Surge." I watch a ton of political commentary, political shows, and news and everyone says it and it bugs me to no end. Not only because of the "definition" of Santorum (google it if you don't know what I'm talking about, or click here http://spreadingsantorum.com/), but because I just don't like him. Oh well. I'll survive. Luckily, this primary season has been CRAZY and oh so much fun to watch.
And here's a favorite picture of mine...
Monday, February 20, 2012
Obligatory First Post
I'm already on my second semester of graduate school, and I feel as if I've been here forever and as if I just got here, all at the same time.
Oddly enough, today, would have been my 5th anniversary with my ex-boyfriend today. I'm not posting this because I miss him, but because he is a constant worry on my mind. I didn't come to Texas A&M to be with him. I came because the price was right (in-state tuition) and because I have family and most of my friends in the state. I grew up in Texas and don't really ever want to leave it. But being here at the same time as him is a nuisance and, like I said, a constant worry. Every time I see a silver Xterra, I worry it's him. 9.5/10 it's not him. Since I last spoke to him at the end of August/beginning of September, I've only seen him on campus once, seen him off campus once, and seen his car in Lot 50 (where 1000's of cars park everyday for class) a handful of times. But, when it really comes down to it, if I was to see him again, I would just walk right past him. I have no desire to have him back in my life in any way, shape or form. He hurt me emotionally worse than I've ever been hurt before. I think it's past the point of whether or not I'll ever forgive him. I forgive him for what he did for me, for lying to me, treating me like I didn't matter and that I was an after-thought, for cheating on me with my best friend, for hiding that he was dating her when we actually broke up, for breaking me and my best friend up for 6 months, for leading me on for a year, making me think that he truly wanted to be with me and fix everything, but forgiving doesn't mean that I ever want him in my life again.
I used to say when I was with him that "I just want to be happy again." I said that a lot during the last year I was with him/played his game. My senior year of college was not a happy one in most regards because of him. My attendance suffered in my classes from not wanting to get out of bed, from staying up all hours of the night, hoping he'd call or at least, text goodnight. Not going to class led to my grades suffering. All along, I just wanted it to get better and wanted to be happy again. I thought that if I held on long enough, it would. I thought that if I kept believing, kept hanging on, he would break up with her like he kept saying he would, that he would live up to everything he always told me. But he never did. He never lived up to any promises. He never visited like he said he would. He never broke up with her because he wanted his options open. While I miserable waiting for him to leave her, she was miserable with him. He was doing the same to her, treating her like garbage, but the only difference was they were technically together in a relationship. I didn't know any of this, of course, because we weren't talking.
I was never happy. I fooled myself in to believing that if I held on, it would get better and we would be the ideal couple we always wanted to be. I was going to A&M for grad school, he was going there (still) for his undergrad. It was going to be perfect...but I knew it wasn't.
Then summer came. I had my best friend back. I couldn't stand not talking any more so I texted her. Then we texted some more and the rest is history. Now she's getting married (to a MUCH better guy who actually likes her and wants to be around her) and I'm going to be a bridesmaid :). I had just graduated college, had my degree, and was hanging out back home for a few months before I moved to B/CS. An apartment full of people saved me from myself and from my depression: Ryan, Lasko, Crystal, and Jeremy. Without them...I don't know how my summer would have been. It should have been the worst summer of my life, with all the horrible things going on between me and my ex: being strung along and lied to (but not knowing it yet). But despite all that, they made it great. They distracted me from my worrying about my ex in the best ways possible: drinking, video games, and lots and lots of laughing. I've been friends with them since high school and I know I'll be friends with them for many many more years to come.
Once I got to B/CS, the happiness of summer wore off. "He lives here" was always in the back of my mind and I hated it. The end of summer proved the last straw for me and my ex. While I've described a lot on here already, I won't describe the final showdown. Not on this post at least...it was over, for real, for good. But I was still depressed. I felt inadequate and that I wasn't going to be able to find anyone. After being with someone that emotionally traumatizing, it makes you feel like damaged goods that no one is going to want to try and fix. I was a mess. No boyfriend, but most of all, no friends. Not knowing anyone in a city really messes with you. All I could do was hope to make it.
Classes helped, but I was still depressed during the first week. I was going to make an appointment at the counseling center, when I decided to wait. I'd go to the Anthro grad student mixer and hopefully meet people. I just wanted to make friends. Desperately so. I didn't go to the grad mixer looking for a man. I almost didn't go at all...but I did. And it was a very very good decision to say the least...
I met Andrew there :) I connected with my friends there :) Baylor won against TCU :) I started healing that night.
I found a group of close friends that have kept me sane, even though we may drive each other a little batty at times (sorry, Josh, lol). I found a guy that genuinely wants to spend time with me. That's new for me. He doesn't give me token visits or excuses about being busy. He doesn't screen my calls or texts. He doesn't pick fights for no reason. He just wants to spend time together and be with ME. He tells me that he just wants to make me happy. And he does. He makes me so happy :) I'm finally happy again, and I feel happier than I ever have before. I love him, and he sincerely loves me. Everything feels right in the world again for the first time in an incredibly long time.
Oddly enough, today, would have been my 5th anniversary with my ex-boyfriend today. I'm not posting this because I miss him, but because he is a constant worry on my mind. I didn't come to Texas A&M to be with him. I came because the price was right (in-state tuition) and because I have family and most of my friends in the state. I grew up in Texas and don't really ever want to leave it. But being here at the same time as him is a nuisance and, like I said, a constant worry. Every time I see a silver Xterra, I worry it's him. 9.5/10 it's not him. Since I last spoke to him at the end of August/beginning of September, I've only seen him on campus once, seen him off campus once, and seen his car in Lot 50 (where 1000's of cars park everyday for class) a handful of times. But, when it really comes down to it, if I was to see him again, I would just walk right past him. I have no desire to have him back in my life in any way, shape or form. He hurt me emotionally worse than I've ever been hurt before. I think it's past the point of whether or not I'll ever forgive him. I forgive him for what he did for me, for lying to me, treating me like I didn't matter and that I was an after-thought, for cheating on me with my best friend, for hiding that he was dating her when we actually broke up, for breaking me and my best friend up for 6 months, for leading me on for a year, making me think that he truly wanted to be with me and fix everything, but forgiving doesn't mean that I ever want him in my life again.
I used to say when I was with him that "I just want to be happy again." I said that a lot during the last year I was with him/played his game. My senior year of college was not a happy one in most regards because of him. My attendance suffered in my classes from not wanting to get out of bed, from staying up all hours of the night, hoping he'd call or at least, text goodnight. Not going to class led to my grades suffering. All along, I just wanted it to get better and wanted to be happy again. I thought that if I held on long enough, it would. I thought that if I kept believing, kept hanging on, he would break up with her like he kept saying he would, that he would live up to everything he always told me. But he never did. He never lived up to any promises. He never visited like he said he would. He never broke up with her because he wanted his options open. While I miserable waiting for him to leave her, she was miserable with him. He was doing the same to her, treating her like garbage, but the only difference was they were technically together in a relationship. I didn't know any of this, of course, because we weren't talking.
I was never happy. I fooled myself in to believing that if I held on, it would get better and we would be the ideal couple we always wanted to be. I was going to A&M for grad school, he was going there (still) for his undergrad. It was going to be perfect...but I knew it wasn't.
Then summer came. I had my best friend back. I couldn't stand not talking any more so I texted her. Then we texted some more and the rest is history. Now she's getting married (to a MUCH better guy who actually likes her and wants to be around her) and I'm going to be a bridesmaid :). I had just graduated college, had my degree, and was hanging out back home for a few months before I moved to B/CS. An apartment full of people saved me from myself and from my depression: Ryan, Lasko, Crystal, and Jeremy. Without them...I don't know how my summer would have been. It should have been the worst summer of my life, with all the horrible things going on between me and my ex: being strung along and lied to (but not knowing it yet). But despite all that, they made it great. They distracted me from my worrying about my ex in the best ways possible: drinking, video games, and lots and lots of laughing. I've been friends with them since high school and I know I'll be friends with them for many many more years to come.
Once I got to B/CS, the happiness of summer wore off. "He lives here" was always in the back of my mind and I hated it. The end of summer proved the last straw for me and my ex. While I've described a lot on here already, I won't describe the final showdown. Not on this post at least...it was over, for real, for good. But I was still depressed. I felt inadequate and that I wasn't going to be able to find anyone. After being with someone that emotionally traumatizing, it makes you feel like damaged goods that no one is going to want to try and fix. I was a mess. No boyfriend, but most of all, no friends. Not knowing anyone in a city really messes with you. All I could do was hope to make it.
Classes helped, but I was still depressed during the first week. I was going to make an appointment at the counseling center, when I decided to wait. I'd go to the Anthro grad student mixer and hopefully meet people. I just wanted to make friends. Desperately so. I didn't go to the grad mixer looking for a man. I almost didn't go at all...but I did. And it was a very very good decision to say the least...
I met Andrew there :) I connected with my friends there :) Baylor won against TCU :) I started healing that night.
I found a group of close friends that have kept me sane, even though we may drive each other a little batty at times (sorry, Josh, lol). I found a guy that genuinely wants to spend time with me. That's new for me. He doesn't give me token visits or excuses about being busy. He doesn't screen my calls or texts. He doesn't pick fights for no reason. He just wants to spend time together and be with ME. He tells me that he just wants to make me happy. And he does. He makes me so happy :) I'm finally happy again, and I feel happier than I ever have before. I love him, and he sincerely loves me. Everything feels right in the world again for the first time in an incredibly long time.
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