Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Disappointment and Embarrassment

Are you the type of person the replays moments over and over in your head? It could be 9-10 years later, but you replay the biggest argument you and your significant other had, how you felt, what you should have done differently.  Or maybe you replay an interaction with a crush.  How that funny joke totally fell flat, how you accidentally snorted or blew a snot bubble, and instantly felt mortified.

Or...maybe you replay interactions or decisions at work.  Conversations you wish you could go back and change what you say or how you say it.  Maybe it was a bad day and you came across like a huge bitch, but you were just trying learn or help.  Or you replay the decision to say something when you shouldn't have, or put your trust in someone you shouldn't.

I replay everything...I pick it apart, analyze. What did I do wrong?  What could I have done better? Sometimes mere minutes after, sometimes YEARS after.  I hate it.

But it's the worst when I don't realize anything is wrong...when I thought the conversation went well.  When I thought that the question I asked was innocuous, or worse, when I thought it was actually helpful.  When someone took offense or was hurt and I was oblivious to it all.

You would think I would hate it when these instances are brought to my attention and fight back instead. "Uh, no, that's not me. I don't do that/say that/act like that."  But, no, I don't hate it or try to fight it.  If I hated it, I would never learn and grow.  I would never work on my shortcomings.  But even though I know that this is a learning opportunity and that I'm blessed to work with such supportive and encouraging individuals...I'm so incredibly disappointed in myself.  I'm embarrassed.  I don't hate being told I was wrong.  I hate that I ever made the decision or said the thing in the first place. 

Anger is fleeting. But disappointment lingers.  The disappointment I have in myself and the disappointment others have in me.  Now, I work to rebuild my faith in myself, so I can work to rebuild others' faith in me.