Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Anxiety: My Old (and Current) Enemy

I haven't posted for a while (duh) and I've been thinking about getting back on here.  Getting back to expressing myself.  At this point, I don't even care if anyone reads it, but I need to have an outlet. 

I re-read my last post and it blew my mind.  1) I had forgotten that I had written.  2) I want to get back to that confident version of me.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much has changed in my life since I was blogging regularly.  I've been at for almost 3 years now.  I'm accomplished and respected and BUST my ass.  I know I work hard, I know I'm doing well, others are even telling me so, but my anxiety is creeping back into my life.

Up until I was 24, my anxiety ruled my life.  It made me lash out, it made me second guess myself, it made me question everyone.  I was never good enough.  No matter how hard I tried, I always had a voice in my head saying "well, you could have worked harder.  You could have worked longer.  You could have done this/that/whatever."

Fast forward to now.  I'm a leader within my department and within the company as a whole.  Everyone tells me I'm doing ok.  Doing better than ok.  I'm a badass.  I have so much potential.  I'm going to go far within the company. 

But I still feel like a failure. That I'm not living up to the expectations set before me.  That nothing I ever do is good enough.  That I'M not good enough...f**king anxiety is back with a vengeance.

So, what now?  What do I do?  Well, I'm trying.  I'm trying to help myself because I can't ignore it anymore.  I'm learning to say "no" if I can't take something on and I'm asking for help when I need it.  Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  It's a sign of maturity.  It's not me against the world.  I have backup :)  I have my co-workers (who are AMAZING by the way).  I've been asking for help at work which is a good first step, but it's not enough.  I have to get help with ME.  Not just typing up a blog post and call it therapy, but real therapy. 

I need to talk to a counselor/psychologist.  I also need to see a psychiatrist and gets my meds adjusted.  For too long, I've been ashamed that I take anti-anxiety medication, but no more.  I'm not going to let myself be swallowed by the mental health stigma that is still very pervasive in our culture. 

I want to be confident again.  I want to believe everyone else around me.  I don't want to be scared and sad anymore.

I'm sorry for such a self-obsessed, "oh woe is me" blog post, but it's something I needed to get out there.  I want to update this more regularly, so hopefully, I'll be back soon with something a little more exciting.