Friday, July 1, 2016

Ch-ch-ch-changes (at work)

It's been a month since my last blog post and I wanted to post something insightful and deep, but I'm coming up short.  I've been in a daze/been moving in slow motion for the past three and half weeks since I found out about the integration/dissolution of my department at work.

It's a big change.  A big change that is necessary for the business and a change that I'm looking forward to seeing the opportunities it gives me and my fellow ex-CTS'ers.  While I understand the "why" and agree with the "pros," the decision and the subsequent several weeks have taken an emotional toll on me and others in my (now defunct) department.  There have been some bumps and potholes along the way that have made the journey difficult to process.  That's to be expected though with any major change.

Today was moving day and we are all now sitting with our new respective teams.  It felt GREAT getting my new desk completely setup and unpacked.  I'm looking forward to going back to work Tuesday after the long weekend and hit the ground running.  I'm still going to be putting some of the puzzle pieces back together, but I'm excited for what the future holds.  I had my first goals meeting with my new supervisor this afternoon and it made me feel much better.  It only reinforced that I am a part of a great team (the best team at Pinnacle) and feel confident that I will only keep feeling better about it all.

Eh, I guess the post turned out alright after all.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Anxiety: My Old (and Current) Enemy

I haven't posted for a while (duh) and I've been thinking about getting back on here.  Getting back to expressing myself.  At this point, I don't even care if anyone reads it, but I need to have an outlet. 

I re-read my last post and it blew my mind.  1) I had forgotten that I had written.  2) I want to get back to that confident version of me.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much has changed in my life since I was blogging regularly.  I've been at for almost 3 years now.  I'm accomplished and respected and BUST my ass.  I know I work hard, I know I'm doing well, others are even telling me so, but my anxiety is creeping back into my life.

Up until I was 24, my anxiety ruled my life.  It made me lash out, it made me second guess myself, it made me question everyone.  I was never good enough.  No matter how hard I tried, I always had a voice in my head saying "well, you could have worked harder.  You could have worked longer.  You could have done this/that/whatever."

Fast forward to now.  I'm a leader within my department and within the company as a whole.  Everyone tells me I'm doing ok.  Doing better than ok.  I'm a badass.  I have so much potential.  I'm going to go far within the company. 

But I still feel like a failure. That I'm not living up to the expectations set before me.  That nothing I ever do is good enough.  That I'M not good enough...f**king anxiety is back with a vengeance.

So, what now?  What do I do?  Well, I'm trying.  I'm trying to help myself because I can't ignore it anymore.  I'm learning to say "no" if I can't take something on and I'm asking for help when I need it.  Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  It's a sign of maturity.  It's not me against the world.  I have backup :)  I have my co-workers (who are AMAZING by the way).  I've been asking for help at work which is a good first step, but it's not enough.  I have to get help with ME.  Not just typing up a blog post and call it therapy, but real therapy. 

I need to talk to a counselor/psychologist.  I also need to see a psychiatrist and gets my meds adjusted.  For too long, I've been ashamed that I take anti-anxiety medication, but no more.  I'm not going to let myself be swallowed by the mental health stigma that is still very pervasive in our culture. 

I want to be confident again.  I want to believe everyone else around me.  I don't want to be scared and sad anymore.

I'm sorry for such a self-obsessed, "oh woe is me" blog post, but it's something I needed to get out there.  I want to update this more regularly, so hopefully, I'll be back soon with something a little more exciting.