Monday, February 20, 2012

Obligatory First Post

I'm already on my second semester of graduate school, and I feel as if I've been here forever and as if I just got here, all at the same time.

Oddly enough, today, would have been my 5th anniversary with my ex-boyfriend today.  I'm not posting this because I miss him, but because he is a constant worry on my mind.  I didn't come to Texas A&M to be with him.  I came because the price was right (in-state tuition) and because I have family and most of my friends in the state.  I grew up in Texas and don't really ever want to leave it. But being here at the same time as him is a nuisance and, like I said, a constant worry.  Every time I see a silver Xterra, I worry it's him.  9.5/10 it's not him.  Since I last spoke to him at the end of August/beginning of September, I've only seen him on campus once, seen him off campus once, and seen his car in Lot 50 (where 1000's of cars park everyday for class) a handful of times.  But, when it really comes down to it, if I was to see him again, I would just walk right past him.  I have no desire to have him back in my life in any way, shape or form.  He hurt me emotionally worse than I've ever been hurt before.  I think it's past the point of whether or not I'll ever forgive him.  I forgive him for what he did for me, for lying to me, treating me like I didn't matter and that I was an after-thought, for cheating on me with my best friend, for hiding that he was dating her when we actually broke up, for breaking me and my best friend up for 6 months, for leading me on for a year, making me think that he truly wanted to be with me and fix everything, but forgiving doesn't mean that I ever want him in my life again.

I used to say when I was with him that "I just want to be happy again."  I said that a lot during the last year I was with him/played his game.  My senior year of college was not a happy one in most regards because of him.  My attendance suffered in my classes from not wanting to get out of bed, from staying up all hours of the night, hoping he'd call or at least, text goodnight.  Not going to class led to my grades suffering.  All along, I just wanted it to get better and wanted to be happy again.  I thought that if I held on long enough, it would.  I thought that if I kept believing, kept hanging on, he would break up with her like he kept saying he would, that he would live up to everything he always told me.  But he never did.  He never lived up to any promises.  He never visited like he said he would.  He never broke up with her because he wanted his options open.  While I miserable waiting for him to leave her, she was miserable with him.  He was doing the same to her, treating her like garbage, but the only difference was they were technically together in a relationship.  I didn't know any of this, of course, because we weren't talking.

I was never happy.  I fooled myself in to believing that if I held on, it would get better and we would be the ideal couple we always wanted to be.  I was going to A&M for grad school, he was going there (still) for his undergrad.  It was going to be perfect...but I knew it wasn't.

Then summer came.  I had my best friend back.  I couldn't stand not talking any more so I texted her.  Then we texted some more and the rest is history.  Now she's getting married (to a MUCH better guy who actually likes her and wants to be around her) and I'm going to be a bridesmaid :).  I had just graduated college, had my degree, and was hanging out back home for a few months before I moved to B/CS.  An apartment full of people saved me from myself and from my depression: Ryan, Lasko, Crystal, and Jeremy.  Without them...I don't know how my summer would have been.  It should have been the worst summer of my life, with all the horrible things going on between me and my ex: being strung along and lied to (but not knowing it yet).  But despite all that, they made it great.  They distracted me from my worrying about my ex in the best ways possible: drinking, video games, and lots and lots of laughing.  I've been friends with them since high school and I know I'll be friends with them for many many more years to come.

Once I got to B/CS, the happiness of summer wore off.  "He lives here" was always in the back of my mind and I hated it.  The end of summer proved the last straw for me and my ex.  While I've described a lot on here already, I won't describe the final showdown.  Not on this post at was over, for real, for good.  But I was still depressed.  I felt inadequate and that I wasn't going to be able to find anyone.  After being with someone that emotionally traumatizing, it makes you feel like damaged goods that no one is going to want to try and fix.  I was a mess.  No boyfriend, but most of all, no friends.  Not knowing anyone in a city really messes with you. All I could do was hope to make it.

Classes helped, but I was still depressed during the first week.  I was going to make an appointment at the counseling center, when I decided to wait.  I'd go to the Anthro grad student mixer and hopefully meet people.  I just wanted to make friends.  Desperately so.  I didn't go to the grad mixer looking for a man.  I almost didn't go at all...but I did.  And it was a very very good decision to say the least...

I met Andrew there :) I connected with my friends there :) Baylor won against TCU :)  I started healing that night.

I found a group of close friends that have kept me sane, even though we may drive each other a little batty at times (sorry, Josh, lol).  I found a guy that genuinely wants to spend time with me.  That's new for me.  He doesn't give me token visits or excuses about being busy.  He doesn't screen my calls or texts.  He doesn't pick fights for no reason.  He just wants to spend time together and be with ME.  He tells me that he just wants to make me happy.  And he does.  He makes me so happy :)  I'm finally happy again, and I feel happier than I ever have before.  I love him, and he sincerely loves me.  Everything feels right in the world again for the first time in an incredibly long time.

1 comment:

  1. I'm happy you're happy! We win :) Also, the (still) dig made me lol really hard. I loooooove you!