Disappointment and Embarrassment

Are you the type of person the replays moments over and over in your head? It could be 9-10 years later, but you replay the biggest argument you and your significant other had, how you felt, what you should have done differently.  Or maybe you replay an interaction with a crush.  How that funny joke totally fell flat, how you accidentally snorted or blew a snot bubble, and instantly felt mortified.

Or...maybe you replay interactions or decisions at work.  Conversations you wish you could go back and change what you say or how you say it.  Maybe it was a bad day and you came across like a huge bitch, but you were just trying learn or help.  Or you replay the decision to say something when you shouldn't have, or put your trust in someone you shouldn't.

I replay everything...I pick it apart, analyze. What did I do wrong?  What could I have done better? Sometimes mere minutes after, sometimes YEARS after.  I hate it.

But it's the worst when I don't realize anything is wrong...when I thought the conversation went well.  When I thought that the question I asked was innocuous, or worse, when I thought it was actually helpful.  When someone took offense or was hurt and I was oblivious to it all.

You would think I would hate it when these instances are brought to my attention and fight back instead. "Uh, no, that's not me. I don't do that/say that/act like that."  But, no, I don't hate it or try to fight it.  If I hated it, I would never learn and grow.  I would never work on my shortcomings.  But even though I know that this is a learning opportunity and that I'm blessed to work with such supportive and encouraging individuals...I'm so incredibly disappointed in myself.  I'm embarrassed.  I don't hate being told I was wrong.  I hate that I ever made the decision or said the thing in the first place. 

Anger is fleeting. But disappointment lingers.  The disappointment I have in myself and the disappointment others have in me.  Now, I work to rebuild my faith in myself, so I can work to rebuild others' faith in me.

Grad School Round 2

A year between blog posts.  I should probably be better and more frequent with them.  I wonder how many times I've said that on here (let alone how many times I've said that TO myself in the past year).

As you can see by the post title, I'm going back to school y'all.  Those that have known me for a while may say "but Lizzy/Elizabeth, you already tried that before...and quit."  YES I KNOW.  Ok, I know.  But this time feels different.  It is different.  When I went to A&M after graduating from Baylor, I went for the wrong reasons.  I didn't have a direction in life and thought "oh, Masters in Anthropology is the logical next step from a Bachelors in Anthropology."  I wasn't thinking, "yes, I know what the hell to do with me life."

I don't regret anything I've done in my life (besides some questionable first dates, wardrobe choice, and staying up past my bedtime on certain occasions).  Going to A&M and leaving A&M brought me to where I am today.  I wouldn't have found Pinnacle if I had majored in something different at Baylor, or if I had decided to go to Columbia for grad school.  (My dad STILL brings it up and the last time, I shut him down quite...tersely. I can't change that decision and I don't want to dwell on it.)

This Wednesday, July 5th, will mark my one year anniversary on my project team and one year since CTS dissolved.  My fellow team leads and I outlasted our manager and have all landed on our feet on various teams and departments.  In August, it will be my fourth anniversary at Pinnacle.  At the end of this year, my term on the Advisory Board (Pinnacle's employee-led Board of Directors) will come to a close.  

"Lizzy, what do all your milestones at Pinnacle have to do with you going back to school for your MBA?"  Everything, it has everything to do with it.  I want to advance my career at Pinnacle even more.  And if (God forbid) anything ever happens and I have to part ways with Pinnacle (either my choice or theirs), I want to make sure that I'm fully equipped to land on my feet in the workforce.  

So, just two short weeks after my 4th work-iversary, I start at UHCL.  And I can't freaking wait :)

Ch-ch-ch-changes (at work)

It's been a month since my last blog post and I wanted to post something insightful and deep, but I'm coming up short.  I've been in a daze/been moving in slow motion for the past three and half weeks since I found out about the integration/dissolution of my department at work.

It's a big change.  A big change that is necessary for the business and a change that I'm looking forward to seeing the opportunities it gives me and my fellow ex-CTS'ers.  While I understand the "why" and agree with the "pros," the decision and the subsequent several weeks have taken an emotional toll on me and others in my (now defunct) department.  There have been some bumps and potholes along the way that have made the journey difficult to process.  That's to be expected though with any major change.

Today was moving day and we are all now sitting with our new respective teams.  It felt GREAT getting my new desk completely setup and unpacked.  I'm looking forward to going back to work Tuesday after the long weekend and hit the ground running.  I'm still going to be putting some of the puzzle pieces back together, but I'm excited for what the future holds.  I had my first goals meeting with my new supervisor this afternoon and it made me feel much better.  It only reinforced that I am a part of a great team (the best team at Pinnacle) and feel confident that I will only keep feeling better about it all.

Eh, I guess the post turned out alright after all.

Anxiety: My Old (and Current) Enemy

I haven't posted for a while (duh) and I've been thinking about getting back on here.  Getting back to expressing myself.  At this point, I don't even care if anyone reads it, but I need to have an outlet. 

I re-read my last post and it blew my mind.  1) I had forgotten that I had written.  2) I want to get back to that confident version of me.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much has changed in my life since I was blogging regularly.  I've been at for almost 3 years now.  I'm accomplished and respected and BUST my ass.  I know I work hard, I know I'm doing well, others are even telling me so, but my anxiety is creeping back into my life.

Up until I was 24, my anxiety ruled my life.  It made me lash out, it made me second guess myself, it made me question everyone.  I was never good enough.  No matter how hard I tried, I always had a voice in my head saying "well, you could have worked harder.  You could have worked longer.  You could have done this/that/whatever."

Fast forward to now.  I'm a leader within my department and within the company as a whole.  Everyone tells me I'm doing ok.  Doing better than ok.  I'm a badass.  I have so much potential.  I'm going to go far within the company. 

But I still feel like a failure. That I'm not living up to the expectations set before me.  That nothing I ever do is good enough.  That I'M not good enough...f**king anxiety is back with a vengeance.

So, what now?  What do I do?  Well, I'm trying.  I'm trying to help myself because I can't ignore it anymore.  I'm learning to say "no" if I can't take something on and I'm asking for help when I need it.  Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  It's a sign of maturity.  It's not me against the world.  I have backup :)  I have my co-workers (who are AMAZING by the way).  I've been asking for help at work which is a good first step, but it's not enough.  I have to get help with ME.  Not just typing up a blog post and call it therapy, but real therapy. 

I need to talk to a counselor/psychologist.  I also need to see a psychiatrist and gets my meds adjusted.  For too long, I've been ashamed that I take anti-anxiety medication, but no more.  I'm not going to let myself be swallowed by the mental health stigma that is still very pervasive in our culture. 

I want to be confident again.  I want to believe everyone else around me.  I don't want to be scared and sad anymore.

I'm sorry for such a self-obsessed, "oh woe is me" blog post, but it's something I needed to get out there.  I want to update this more regularly, so hopefully, I'll be back soon with something a little more exciting. 

Enough

Whelp, I guess I haven't been updating this as regularly as I had hoped.  Oh well.  I'm updating it now.  Like my blog summary says, I'm still journeying to self-discovery. I'm young, I'm single, I have a great job, I have great friends.  The world is my proverbial oyster.

Through all of my recent journeying in life, I somehow have turned into someone I don't recognize.  Some may agree, some may disagree, but ultimately, all that matters is how I perceive myself.  I'm not going to lie.  I've had my ups and down.  I've made good decisions, hard decisions, questionable decisions, and down-right terrible decisions, but through it all, they are MINE.  They shape who I am.  They will shape who I become, who I am becoming.  So, when I say I've turned into someone I don't recognize, please don't assume I mean that I don't like who I am right now.  I'm just a different version of the person I used to be.

This past weekend influenced me to finally update this blog and write this specific post.  In my personal growth, I encountered moments where I haven't felt like I was enough.  What could I do differently?  Do I need to be prettier? Thinner? Smarter? Dumber? Quieter? Louder?  More daring?  More demure? What do I need to do in order for XYZ?  I cannot begin to tell y'all how many times I've questioned myself and asked the question, "Am I enough?"

Like I mentioned, this weekend kind of gave me an answer.  Quite unexpectedly since I didn't realize I was actively asking the question.  But here was the answer, right in front of me.  I was enough.  Don't get me wrong.  Being enough isn't...well, enough.  Everything in life takes hard work.  A new job, a promotion, a raise, losing weight, eating right, a first date, a new relationship, hell even a one-night stand.  Everything takes hard work.  But I realized that if someone says "no" to whatever it may be, it wasn't because I wasn't enough.  I just needed to work that much harder.  Learn the skills for that position, take time to ask for help, make the first step and ask for HIS or HER number instead of waiting for the opposite to happen.  If I can get it into my head that the absolute worst thing that can happen is that I'll hear, "No," then I think I can be that much more of a happier person.  And, you know what, "no" may be the best thing I need to hear at that moment.  "No" isn't always a bad thing.  "No" opens unexpected doors.  I'm going to try and start embracing "no," as hard as it will be.

TL;DR Don't ever think you're not smart enough.  Apply for that school/program/scholarship, apply for that job.  If they say no, learn from the experience.  Grow from it.

Don't ever think you're not pretty enough.  God, I've thought that so many times.  And to this day, it still blows my mind when guys that I think are ridiculously out of my league express interest.  "Me? Really?  Nooooo....pfffft...you're crazy."   DON'T!  I keep being surprised...like seriously.  Just trust me.

You're enough.  I'm enough.  Don't fall into the self-doubt spiral.  It sucks.  I'm slowly crawling out.  I'll lend you a hand to get out if you need one. *hugs*

Change of Scenery

I sit here typing this on my new couch and in my new apartment.  I've been here a little over a week and (for the most part) everything is unpacked. Oh sure, I have towers of boxes in my spare bedroom...buuuut I don't have to look at those, lol.  One of my bookshelves didn't survive the move and I still need to get a dining room table, but both of those aren't at the forefront of my mind right now.

No, I'm not going to talk about it.  Yes, I'm fine.  We're on good terms.  Anything else isn't your business, so there.

Ben is acclimating well.  He is currently laying on the carpet next to the coffee table upside down asleep.  He sleeps in bed with me every night and is a total bed hog :)  I think he likes having the run of the place.  With all the boxes and random pieces of furniture around, it's like one big cat playground in here.

I miss my dad and stepmom though :( I miss the dogs.  I miss Monkey (one of Susan's cats).  I don't miss Fu (Susan's other cat) because he's an asshole.  A cute, plush, loud asshole.

I'm 15 minutes (ish, depending on traffic) from work now.  Holy balls, it's nice to be this close to work.  Yay more sleep!  I love work.  I love that every day I learn something new and, in turn, I get to help others learn something new as well.  I am incredibly blessed that I get to work with such amazing people.  It's an amazing melting pot of different people, but I wouldn't trade them or what I'm doing for anything right now :)

It's bedtime for this Bonzo.  Hopefully, I'll start updating this more regularly.  We'll see.

The Spreadsheet and Folio: Part Two

Ok everyone, where was I?  I had survived my two phone interviews and had been asked to come in for two different face-to-face interviews the week I returned from visiting California.  Fast-forward to this past Monday (July 22nd) evening.  After work, I went and helped out with my friends' kids and got home around 9:00ish.  I was exhausted, but I had to do my interview homework.  Homework? Yes, homework.  The sales job wanted me to bring in a typed-up research assignment.  This particular company is a logistics company that is essentially the middleman between trucking companies and the companies that make whatever products.  It wanted me to find three different carriers (one each that was primarily flatbed, dry goods, and refrigeration) with more than 50 trucks, headquarters address, and phone number.  Not terribly hard, but still a pain when I was super tired, and had to get up early to get ready for my other interview.

I found everything I needed and eventually got to bed pretty late (~midnight) when I had to get up at 5.  Not fun at all.  I was worried I was going to get up late or leave the house late, but I was fine.  I got down to Pasadena for the first interview of the day 40 minutes before my scheduled interview time.  Since I didn't want to be "that" person, I drove around and found a gas station parking lot to kill some time on my phone waiting.  I figured 15 minutes early was good.  I was so nervous.  The drive down was fine (about 45 minutes from my house) and the gas station waiting was fine, but once I pulled into the parking lot and started gathering my purse and folio (which, by the way, Andrew's awesome sister and brother-in-law gave me for Christmas, and was perfect!), I was inwardly a nervous wreck.  I could feel my hands starting to shake as I took the keys out of the ignition.

Don't forget, this is the job I really wanted.  I wanted this job because I felt like I could do a really great job at it.  At Irelan Hargis, I created and implemented their entire closed file network system, helping them go from storing physical documents in storage rooms to (almost) completely digital.  The job I wanted was similar, but also drastically different.  Not a law firm and I wasn't doing the actual scanning.  The company is an engineering consulting company that does inspections of and creates risk management plans for assets at oil and engineering companies around the world.  The job I was applying for looks at the scanned documents from the inspectors, extracts important data from each doc, compiles the data into a streamlined fashion, names and organizes the documents.  I was intrigued.  It sounded like it was something I could reasonably do, but also, was foreign enough to where I wasn't going to get bored anytime soon.  I wanted a challenge.  I love learning and this sounded like the next step I wanted to take.


When I first got there, I was taken into a conference room for preliminary testing before I had my interview.  I took an abbreviated Wonderlic test (only 15 questions, 7 minutes) and stumbled on the last math question.  I hate math, but whatever.  I figured I got everything else right, so I didn't worry about that part.  After the Wonderlic test, I was given a laptop with a Word doc open that was a set of instructions.  I had 20 minutes to finish the tasks.  It was super easy.  Copy some folders to the desktop, in folder 1, make a new folder, move file "aiudgf982etrksjf" into it (there were about 50 files with all similar gibberish file names and I had to pick the right one), open the file and rename it with the revision date found in the doc, open folder 2, make 3 new folders (receipts/invoices, inspection reports, drawings), open the 3 docs in folder 2 and place them in the corresponding new folders.  The last task was to recreate a simple table in Excel that was on the Word Doc.  Thinking back and I literally just now as I'm typing this, I realize I probably could have copy and pasted it...oh well.  I legitimately recreated it to a T with time to spare, even with the battery dying on the old ass laptop I was using.

Then came the interview.  Even though I was nervous, I wasn't as nervous as when I first walked in...if that makes any sense.  As I was waiting after the testing, I managed not to psych myself out, which, honestly, is a massive improvement for me.  The interview was pretty standard.  He asked me open-ended questions that specifically pertained to me, which allowed me to kind of ramble (in a good way) and not have to give boring stock interview question answers.  I was able to describe the work I do at Irelan Hargis, how I started the closed filing system, and what I'm doing right now as a file clerk.  

Like I said in my previous post, I was able to use my Kappa Delta leadership experience in my interview.  The interviewer asked me questions about my various experiences on my resume and I got to talk extensively about KD.  Between talking about how I became treasurer and VP - Standards and all my various duties (including being everyone's favorite person before and after events), I think he was pretty impressed.  For everyone out there doubting right now, you try being the Standards chair of a frat or sorority at a dry college campus and then try to tell me it's not that hard.  
After the interview, I asked what the next step was and they said I should I hear from someone in the next few days.  As I walked back to my car, I instantly started second guessing everything I had said in the interview.  Crap, I didn't ask enough questions, did me rambling about KD hurt my chances, did I seem too nervous?  All I could do was go home.  There was nothing else in my power to help me get that job.  It was a waiting game from then on.
Then came the next interview.  Well...

It wasn't enough time.  I woke up nauseous and even more tired than I was before.  I made the executive decision not to go to the second interview.  I didn't want that job.  I'm not a sales oriented person.  I don't want to work a job based solely on commission.  So I didn't go.  
It turns out.  I made the right choice :)  Typically, I don't like being woken up from naps.  I mean, seriously, who does?  So when my phone started ringing AND it was a weird number, I was pissed.  After my eyes came back into focus, I realized the number was from the area of my first job interview.  I cleared my throat and answered.  It was the awesome woman who had phone interviewed me!  I didn't get a chance to meet her during my face-to-face that morning so she was calling to touch base with me and see how I felt the interview went.  I told her that I thought that it went well.  I like Taylore and Pedro and really enjoyed the young vibe of the company in general.  She said she was glad that I liked the company and thought the interview went well because she had spoken with Pedro (the person who interviewed me) and he thought the interview went well too and the company wanted to extend the job to me.

I got a job.  I got a job!  I GOT A JOB!!!! I was happy and excited.  I still am happy and excited!  My last day at my old job is August 9th.  It's going to be extremely bittersweet.  I have learned so much and gained invaluable skills from working there over the years.  I'm going to miss everyone too :(  
But, more than anything, I'm excited!  I have a job!  I know that most people wouldn't spend two giant blog posts breaking down their quest for a particular job, but I'm not most people.  I have had a really rough year and, if I get down to the nitty-gritty, a rough few years.  I've felt a few times like I hit rock bottom, felt so bad that nothing ever seemed like it would ever be good again.  This past spring, as I fell my furthest and decided to leave grad school, I realized that "rock bottom" didn't have to such a bad thing.  Life could only get better from where I was.  My awesome counselor helped me get to that point.  Leaving school was the best decision for me and it's only going up from here.  THAT'S why me getting a job is such a big deal. 
Of course, now I just have everything else to worry about...eh, I'll just enjoy this while I can :)

The Spreadsheet and Folio: Part One

B*sigh* This past week has felt really long, really short, and really busy.  A week ago, I got back from California where I spent time with my mom, stepdad, stepbrothers, and the cutest, sweetest nephews a girl could ask for.  While this is a tangent from my original train of thought, I definitely contemplated taking some stowaways on to my plane.  I miss those little guys, but I digress.  Between traveling, getting back to work, job interviews, and helping out friends with their kids here at home in the evenings, I'm a little tired this week.

At work, I came back to a boatload of newly closed case files that all need to get scanned into the system.  It wouldn't be so bad if one of them alone didn't have six boxes...but I'll get a lot of it done before the new girl starts.  I don't want to leave her with as big of a mess that I was left with.  It'll probably be a manageable mess :)

You probably read "job interviews" in the first paragraph and are wondering why I haven't talked about them yet.  Since I got back to Houston, I have known that I was not going to be staying at Irelan Hargis forever.  I was either moving to wherever Andrew got a job once that happened or getting a permanent, full-time job in Houston if Andrew moved here.  Because I hate not having a plan, I started looking for jobs right away at the beginning of the summer.  I poured over Craigslist, Monster, Indeed, and CareerBuilder.  I made a spreadsheet of all the jobs I applied to.  Forty made it on the list and at least 10-20 others did not because of applying through Craigslist.  Needless to say, I applied for a few jobs in the past few months.  You're probably asking yourself, "Lizzy, what do you want to do with your life?" and "What sort of jobs did you apply for?" In response to those questions, I say, "STOP PRESSURING ME!" and "Clerical type jobs."Out of all of those, I got 3-4 confirmed denials.  Straight-up "thank you for applying, but no thank you."  I wish I had gotten more of those.  Knowing those said "no" meant I didn't have to wonder and could just move on to the next one.

A turning point came at the beginning of July.  The day before I left for my 4th of July weekend vacation in Austin with Andrew I did my daily ritual of perusing the job sites and applying for applicable jobs that I had a chance at getting.  I don't remember all of the jobs I applied for that day, but the two that stand out are the ones I got contacted for interviews! Insert "Muppet Flail" here!  I finally had good news!  They didn't think I was some pathetic applicant that had her sorority leadership experience on her resume so it wouldn't look empty.  (Turned out, it helped in my interview, but more on that later.)

I had two phone interviews scheduled for the week after I got back from Austin.  I was super nervous. Pit in my stomach, chest wrenching anxiety-type nervous. I really wanted to impress and dazzle them with my fantastic personality and charm over the phone so I could get a face-to-face interview.   Well, actually having the phone interviews took way more effort than I originally thought it would.  The first day of attempts started with one woman not answering when I called so I had to leave a voicemail with my info.  Not the end of the world.  Nothing was planned yet for a conversation, but I had been really hoping to get that one out of the way.  No dice.  After that call, I was supposed to have the other potential job call me.  Well...that didn't happen that day.  She never called.  I was discouraged, but wouldn't let it get me down.  That afternoon, I emailed the woman who was supposed to call me, asking politely "WTF?"  That evening, before I went to bed, I heard from the other job (the one where I left a vmail) and set up an actual phone interview for the next day! Squee! I was so excited because that was the job I really wanted (descriptions to come later, I promise).

That morning when I got to work, I was super excited because I heard from the one job the night before and got an email from the other one apologizing for calendaring the wrong time for our call and rescheduled for two days later.  Understandable.  She was calling from a different time zone.  Lunchtime rolled around and I got myself all set up in an empty office to take my incoming call.  Ten minutes later (ten minutes after she was supposed to call), there was nothing coming from my phone besides frustration and Candy Crush.  I went back to work but had my cell next to me for the next two hours.  Nothing :(  I WAS SO SAD.  That phone interview was the one I was really looking forward to.  That afternoon, I emailed this lady with a polite "WTF?" email as well, but added in this one how much I liked the position and how I thought I would be great fit and since her schedule seemed crazy she could call me at any time that she was free.  If the position had been filled, so be it.  I would move on, but I wasn't giving up until I heard something concrete.

The next day was the phone interview for the other job that I was less enthused about.  The reason I was less enthused about it was...well...it was a sales position.  For anyone who has met me, I probably don't seem like much of a sales person.  I sure as hell know I don't think of myself as one, but regardless, I applied for the position because it said no prior experience necessary and it would come with a lot of training.  Once I heard from them through email, I figured I would do the phone interview and see what I thought after that.  If I got an in-person interview, sweet! I'd go to it and go from there.  Surprise surprise, she ACTUALLY called! I was nervous, but once I started talking to her, it was very easy and I calmed down.  The job was very sales-y and sooooo not me, but I was offered an in-person interview. Score!  Since I was going to Cali the next week, I set it up for the next Tuesday the week I got back.  It gave me time to prepare and hopefully hear from the other place.

I was riding high.  I had this surge of self-esteem and was just generally happy after the call.  Afterwards, I set my phone down to charge at my desk and went to get my lunch together.  It took about 5 minutes or less, but in that f**king five minutes, THE OTHER JOB CALLED ME.  She left a voicemail, THANK GOD, but seriously?!?!? I MISSED IT?!? UGH.  Luckily, the voicemail essentially said, "sorry, call me at this number 555-555-5555, and we can do your interview. kthxbai."  I pressed pause on my lunch, and scurried back into the empty office for the call.  I gathered all my notes, made sure I had a pen to write with, took a deep breath and plunged into it.  It went really really well.  I really liked how the job sounded.  The original job title was "Project Administrative Assistant," but had been changed to "Asset Integrity Technician." Identical job, just different job title.  We talked for about 20 minutes or so, and at the end of it, she asked me to come in for a face-to-face interview! YAY!  I set it up for the morning of the same day as my other interview.  No sense in missing too much of my current job if I could avoid it.

And that's where I leave you. Yes, I know, it's a cliff-hanger, but FFS, this post is long.*  Stay tuned kids for the next episode of "The Spreadsheet and Folio."  How will the job interviews go?  Will I get any job offers? Will I remember to actually write the part 2 of this story? Tune in, next week? Eh, just check Facebook/Twitter and I'll let you know when it's up. <3

*"FFS" is an acronym where the middle "f" is a curse word. Related to, "For Goodness Sake." *The More You Know*

It's Been A While

It's been a little while since I've posted anything.  The past several months, since December really, have been quite tumultuous, but everything is falling into place...kind of.

First off, I need to change the title and name of my blog since I'm not in Aggieland anymore.  I made the very difficult, but ultimately the best for me, decision to leave Texas A&M without my Masters.  I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a while, but it has always been relatively manageable and never got in the way of school or any responsibilities I had, like work.  This past spring, however, it manifested in my school work, or lack thereof, I guess.  I physically couldn't work on my thesis.  I had an office with all of my stuff set up, but every time I thought about going in to work, I would get nauseous, my chest would get tight, and I would start having a mini-freakout.  I thought that if I switched from a thesis to a non-thesis, it would help solve my problems, but it didn't.  It affected all of my schoolwork.  After I switched my degree path, I started going to counseling at A&M.  For all of my friends that are still at TAMU and for my friends elsewhere, go talk to someone if you need to.  Don't be afraid.  It really helped me.

Through counseling, I had to come to the extremely hard conclusion that my choices had to be what was best for me, and stop worrying about the "what ifs." What if I disappoint everyone?  What if I let everyone down?  What if I fail?  What if I regret it?  What if, what if, what if.  They plagued me, but through the counseling and my awesome counselor, I was able to get to the place I needed to be: the place where I had to do what was best for ME.  Not my parents, not my friends, not my family, not even my boyfriend.  I had to take care of myself for once, and not worry about everyone else.  It was hard.  My boyfriend is the most supportive person on the planet, so he was behind me 100% no matter what I decided.  I was most worried about letting my parents down, but they love me and support me no matter what as well.

I was miserable, depressed, stressed, and anxious and had to make the decision, and I did.  I left A&M.  I'm back in Kingwood for the time being, working downtown for a while, while I look for a permanent, full-time job.  I eventually want to go and get a business certificate, but I have to know where we'll end up first and that...well...is still unknown.

Andrew and I are still figuring out where we are going to end up and what we're going to be doing.  The only definite we have going for us is that we're together and love each other.  Where we end up is completely up in the air.  If Andrew doesn't hear from any jobs he's applied to by August 1st, then he's moving to Houston with me and we're going from there.  I'm pretty stressed that we don't have a definite plan yet, but I haven't let it consume me.  I can't.  I don't ever want to feel like that again.

So, there you have it.  Most people knew, but not everyone.  I'm still running into people that I haven't told yet, so hopefully, this post helps.

Also, if you can think of any good blog names/titles, please let me know :)

Sad

Sad alone trapped angry tired weak exhausted anxious stressed distracted confused Why me? Why can't I just be happy? Why am I sad? Why won't the counselors email me to make an appointment? I don't want to be like this. I want the energy to face the day. I want to be able to concentrate. I want to be able to get my work done. I want to stop being angry for no reason. I want the nightmares to stop. I hate how I feel all the time. Can I just be happy? Please.

New Year, New Semester, New Office

2013.

Well, the Mayans were wrong and we're still here.  Guess that means I should work on my thesis.  With this new year and semester comes new classes, or, to be more specific in my case, class.  Yes, ladies and gents, I'm only technically taking one class this semester.  My other hours are research hours.  That means, I have ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE NOT TO WORK ON MY THESIS.  I'm not screaming at y'all, promise.  I'm screaming at myself because I am the world's worst procrastinator...or so I thought.  I love my boyfriend, but holy crap, he's worse than I am.  But that's not my story to tell.

The other reason I have NO EXCUSE is that I was super lucky enough to snag an office on campus.  Our department head said there was extra space.  I threw my name into the pot, and voila! I have an office! I share it with an awesome girl who completely saved my ass in Stats last semester (seriously though, would have failed without her). The office space itself is a little "rape-y," but we have strength in numbers and well-lit areas.  We have no windows (yay artificial lighting), a giant X-Ray machine is in the middle of the office corral probably giving us cancer right now, and the building is right next to Kyle Field aka a million years from everywhere else we (Anthro people) need to be.  I'm just looking at it as extra exercise.  I need something to keep me motivated.

2013 is going to be one of those important years I think.  Lots of major changes are coming up for my family and friends so I have no doubt that most, if not all. will impact me in some way.  My mom and stepdad are moving to California at the end of February after only being in Pennsylvania a little over a year and a half.  Gotta love job transfers...One of my best friends and her husband are expecting this summer so a baby will only add awesomeness to my group of friends (Team Baby!)  One of my other best friends is finally moving her and husband's butts back to Texas sometime this summer too.

I think the most important one will be my boyfriend graduating in May though.  Once he graduates, he may end up anywhere.  Where ever a job takes him, he will go.  Even though I'm behind on my thesis work, I want to try and graduate in December so I don't have to be away from him so long (tentative graduation for me is May 2014).  Yes, that's super sappy, but I'm in love with him, what can I say?

So, here's to a new year.  May it be full of happy times, good food, fun, and wonderful company. Cheers!

Election 2012

Twelve years ago, I remember falling asleep watching election results because the presidential election had not yet been called for either candidate.  That was an outcome that would not be known for several more weeks after a Supreme Court ruling.  I hope that tonight does not end up the same way.  All of that being said, go vote if you have not already.  If you're not registered, then poo on you.  You don't get to complain about the turn of events tonight.

As most people know, I am a President Obama supporter.  I even had my car vandalized because of it.  I consider myself pretty darn liberal, much to the chagrin of some family members.  People have different reasons they find important.  Some people believe the economy is the most important factor, some immigration, some foreign policy/the War in Afghanistan, others LGBTQIA or equal rights issues, the environment, reproductive rights, or religious freedom.

I know that some people (mostly older, mostly Republican) think that young people who vote Democrat will eventually "come to their senses" and vote Republican as they age.  Those people think that someone like myself doesn't care about the correct or appropriate issues and don't bother to research policy stances on the ones we do find important.  While I know that some people my age will switch parties and ways of thinking as they get older, I don't think I will.  The issues that matter to me right now will remain the issues that I continue to care about for the rest of my life.  Others may find those issues trivial or frivolous or "pie in the sky"/idealistic, but to me, they make up who I am.

I stand with President Obama for four more years, not because I agree with him on every issue (because, I assure you, I have disagreed with his stances or approaches many times), but because I believe he cares about ME.  Me as a student, as a woman, as a member and supporter of the LGBTQIA community, as a person who has taken enough environmental science/studies classes to know to be concerned, as a member of the 47% of Americans that don't pay taxes, as a sister to two veterans, as an aunt to two beautiful little boys, as a daughter to four parents who will eventually be senior citizens and retired, as a citizen of the United States of America.

You may not understand the issues I care about, agree with them, or even see that they are issues, but, please, I beg of you, respect them.

Things I was "never" going to do

For some reason, I've been sitting here thinking about all the big milestones, events, and activities in my life that I said I would "never" do. You know, those clubs you'd never join, colleges you'd never attend, the things hell would have to freeze over for you to do. For example, I am deathly afraid of needles and never ever thought I'd get a tattoo, but I decided to face my fear and get one. I love music and I love hearts, so I got a treble clef and a bass clef in the shape of a heart. Not life-changing like my other "nevers" but still a biggie.


I was never going to be in Academic Decathlon...

Too many horror stories of the long hours and crazy workload. Whoops, lol. I was in Octathlon my sophomore year and AcDec junior and senior year. It helped prepare me for college and develop my study habits (or procrastination habits...).

I was never going to go to a private religious school for college...

Going to Baylor was an amazing experience. I met some of my best friends there, studied under great professors, and loved every minute of it. I am a Baylor Bear and proud to say so :)

I was never going to join a sorority...

Like, omg, I could never join something like that. One day though, I turned into pod-Lizzy and went to a Kappa Delta open house my sophomore year and never looked back. Best decision ever. I love my sorority and being a member of that specific chapter (in addition to being on council) taught me valuable lessons that I'll always take with me. If people ever ask if I "was" in a sorority, I'll say smile and say, "No, I am a Kappa Delta."

I was never ever in a million freaking years going to Texas A&M for any degree.

HOLY CRAP, HELL FROZE OVER Y'ALL...yes, I'm still a Baylor Bear, but I'm a weird, rare hybrid Bear-Aggie. Going to TAMU made fiscal sense for my Masters. In state tuition and all tha fun stuff. Since being here, I've made fantastic friends in my department because, let's get real, anthro people reall are the best kinds of people. Oh, and I met my boyfriend, but that wasn't that important or anything...

If I had gone to NC State, or UNC-W, or USF, or Columbia, I never would have met Andrew. I love him with all my heart and couldn't imagine not having him in my life. So, while I am begrundgingly an Aggie, I wouldn't change it for anything.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't put so much weight on the word "never." I take it and use it more for emphasis rather than literal meaning. At one point, I never thought any of these previous things would have happened, let alone completely shape me into the person I am today. Look back and see what things you've said you'd never do. I wonder how many of those might change and end up changing you..

My Best Friend's Wedding

On Saturday, July 14^th 2012, my best friend married the man of her dreams—her best friend, her lover, the future father of her children, the person who will ALWAYS be able to reach whatever she needs on the top shelf (he’s 6’ 7”), the one person she will always be able to count on in good times and in bad.  I had the honor of being able to be a part of her special day as a bridesmaid and I am so thankful for it J

Many, if not most, people reading this know what Tiffany and I went through.  If you didn’t know either of us at the time, I talked about it in my very first post if you need a background summary.  Those six and a half months were the worst months of my life.  I felt like a shell of the person I used to be, unhappy and angry.  The turning point for both us had, actually, nothing to do with me.  Tiffany met Shane J Meeting him was the major turning point for her.  She realized that this is the type of guy she needed to be with…or exactly the guy she needed to be with.  She broke up with Chris, which set in motion a gradual road to recovery for our friendship and our very long overdue confrontation with Chris for both of us.  Without Shane, she and I would both still be miserable.  Maybe we would have gotten to where we are today, but I don’t know that for sure.   Shane was our saving grace.

Shane, she is yours now.  Yes, she still belongs to her friends and family, but most of all, she is yours.  Take care of her.  Love her even when she irrationally freaks out (I love you, Tiff).  Be prepared to get back to Texas the SECOND you are done with school.  Y’all are NOT having any Tennessee babies.

I wish y’all nothing but joy and happiness.  Thank you so much for letting me a part of y’all’s special day. I love you both J

The feeling I never want to feel again

That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you don't hear from them.  You worry, you're scared.  You don't want anything bad to have happened to them.  Then you get angry and frustrated.  It's not the first time this has happened.  It's gotten to be almost routine to not hear from them.  You should almost expect it.  You sit there and try to go about your day completely preoccupied, going back and forth between being worried about them and being angry with them.  Then finally, after you've been awake several hours, you hear from them.  First, a pathetic excuse of a text saying they just woke up and completely crashed from being exhausted.  Then, they say they're sorry (if they even do that) and say they have errands to run or tons of schoolwork to delve into.  They text sporadically throughout the day, disappearing and not responding for hours at a time.  You get to deal with their excuses and lies, trying to figure what to believe, what to ignore, and what to call them out on.  You usually believe most everything because they ALWAYS have great explanations, ignore very little, and call them out on even less.  Calling them out on the most egregious lies just leads to a fight with you being the one to apologize.  Why would you want to deal with it?  Ignoring it works just fine...

If you get a phone call that day, you feel like a princess.  The most important girl in the world.  They actually called you.  If there's no call, then there are at least some texts at night, with maybe, if you're lucky, a goodnight text.

Thrown in there is always placating "I'm sorry" and "I love you" texts to smooth everything over and to make you feel like everything is ok.  To not worry. To not be angry. To not give up...

I don't have to ever feel that feeling again.  I moved on and realize that I needed to be treated better.  Now, I don't have to wonder if he's lying to me, or hiding things from me.  I know he loves me.  He doesn't text that often because he's usually with me.  We talk on the phone even when he's not with me.  He loves me.

Academic Epiphany, Part Two: End of the Semester and Thesis Changes...Again

One year down on my Masters degree.  The grades are all in and I survived what was a pretty difficult semester.  Issues with professors, issues with content, and issues with procrastination made for an unpredictable outcome grade-wise.  I pulled it all together and came out unscathed.  I can say with no shame that I am happy with my B in ANTH 602 and hope to never have to take another archaeological method and theory class again.

If anyone out there has been keeping score while reading my blog, you will know I've been having trouble with my thesis topic.  I thought for sure that I had gotten it all straightened out.  I was going to study the effects of the Texas drought on the hunting industry.  Yes, kinks were still being hammered out, but research topics are always in a sort of fluctuation, being melded and molded every which way until its absolutely perfect.  I thought that was the stage I was in.  After the end of the semester calmed down, I emailed my adviser essentially asking what my next step should be.  I wasn't sure if he wanted to meet with me to work out a summer game plan or if an email would suffice.  In the email, I *may* have alluded to being stressed out about the whole researching and writing a thesis thing, so he knew I was having reservations about my topic but understood that I wanted to be working on something.  I really hate sitting around doing nothing.  I have a whole stack of recreation/non-school related/fun books to read this summer to keep me occupied.  In addition to reading and working at the law firm again this summer (which I am always eternally grateful that they let me come back year after year), I wanted to make some headway in my thesis, which I couldn't do until something was finalized.  

Fast forward to today at 3 pm.  We have finalization!  I have a real thesis topic!  Hallelujah! 

Ok, yes, the topic is different, BUT, in my defense, it is a topic I've (somewhat) worked on before in a class in the fall: ANTH 604 with my advisor, to be more specific.  I'm no longer looking at the Texas drought and hunting.  I'm not looking at the US at all even.  In addition to completely changing locales and topics, my research style is changing.  No field research...which is comforting and scary at the same time.  I wanted to step outside my comfort zone and do field research, but I think that doing archival and literature review research will ultimately be what is best for me.  

The new topic feels better to me.  My research is still a comparative study, but now, it is focused on two different areas affected by earthquakes and tsunamis (Indonesia/Thailand [which one is still being worked out] and Japan).  I'm focusing on disaster modeling and how the two areas/countries were affected and reacted differently after the disasters struck.  A huge curve ball to all of this is the pesky nuclear reactor problem that Japan has, but it'll add an interesting perspective to how it was affected differently.  

Even after changing my topic (again), I'm still scared.  Laying this all out in this post has me nervous (again).  What if I lose focus again and start to over-think and over-analyze my entire research project?  I think it really comes down to me worrying that I'll fail and not be able to complete this.  I don't want to let anyone down, especially myself.  I've never really embarked on anything of this magnitude and it scares the crap out of me.  Luckily, I've already found some articles to start reading.  I downloaded a 500 page book, chapter by chapter, so 1) I wouldn't have to buy it and 2) so it could write/highlight/underline on it.  

I need to stop second-guessing myself.  I need to just jump in and start reading the preliminary lit that I've found and that my advisor recommended.  I have to start somewhere.

Academic Epiphany--Thesis Edition

I've been struggling all semester with figuring out my thesis topic and narrowing it down.  The more I talk to my advisor and my committee members, the more they tell me that it is still too broad.  They're worried that without focusing it down, I won't do an adequate job and/or will never finish my Masters.  I agree with them, but I keep hitting walls.  Do I look at purely municipal data?  No, because I'm an anthropologist and I want the humanistic aspect to my research.  I can't ask a water table or a reservoir how they're personally coping with the drought.  The municipal data is important and it will be included but it's not going to be the focus.  I'm not looking at purely how the towns I've chosen have coped as a whole; it'll only be part of it.

Today, I've been looking at one of the towns' local newspapers for articles on the drought and related topics, and I realized that I need to find some part of the town to focus on.  Ok, it's a realization I keep having, but I finally had information in front of me to figure it out.  (I usually have grand realizations when I have no paper, pen, or computer, and I'm usually about to fall asleep and promptly forget everything.)  I kept noticing ads on the side panel of the newspaper website for hunting stuff.  Then it hit me.  Hunting is HUGE in Texas.  Not so much for me, but I couldn't believe I hadn't thought about it before.  The animals have been severely impacted by the drought, so I'm going to guess the hunting industry has too.

I'm not a hunter.  My family doesn't hunt.  I don't even particularly like guns, but the more I'm thinking about this idea, the more I think it can work.  It's more focused.  I can look at the hunting businesses in the towns and talk to local citizens who are hunters.  I can find out their perceptions on the drought and how they have coped with it.  I can see how hunting season was affected last year before it started raining in 2012.  Just by doing a two-second Google search, I've found that some people were happy about the drought affecting feral pig populations because they're so rampant in Texas.

Y'all, am I crazy to try and tackle this particular route?  Does anyone have suggestions?  Anything is appreciated.

Why Alcohol and Politics Don't Mix

I mentioned it on Facebook and Twitter Sunday morning, but here's the full story (with pictures at the end) on what happened.

For those of you who have never been to College Station (or who haven't been in 25+ years), there is a part of town, right across the street from campus on University Dr., called Northgate.  It's the part of town with a lot of bars, a few restaurants, and, nightly every weekend, lots of drunk Aggies.  I was out with a few friends and Andrew at the local pub, O'Bannons, drinking, people watching, and just generally hanging out.  In the center of Northgate, across the street from where we were drinking, there is a numbered parking lot where many people park.  It's a high traffic area for vehicles and pedestrians walking to their cars, other establishments, or home.

Andrew and I only paid for two hours and I still needed to read and study, so we didn't want to stay out late.  We said our good-byes and headed back to my car a little before 12:30.  We were in my car because I was wearing a dress and hate climbing in and out of his truck while wearing one (it's not lady-like...and I'm sooooo not graceful).  Andrew was driving home though.  When we get in the car, I looked back and thought my back window had condensation on it because it was so clouded...but there was super low humidity and no condensation anywhere else...I started to freak out and said "Oh my God, is my back window shattered?"  Andrew told me to stay in the car and he got out.  I didn't listen and got out too because I was freaking out.  My back window was shattered!  He went and found a bicycle cop but I knew that were was going to be no point.  No cameras and with thousands of drunk people walking around, no one would be caught.  My back window was shattered because a beer bottle full of dip/chew spit was throw at it from, probably, the sidewalk or road running behind where we parked.  The point of impact was obvious.  The spit was all down my car, and the broken bottle was shattered by my driver's side window.

I wish that it had been a freak drunk idiot, blinding throwing his gross bottle full of spit, but it wasn't.  It's not really a surprise to anyone that know me that I'm a Democrat.  I may not bring it up in certain situations, but if you've ever kept tabs of my online or in school, you'd know.  I'm not ashamed of being a Democrat.  I have an Obama 2012 bumper sticker, a Texans for Obama sticker, and an HRC sticker.  The bottle was thrown because of the first two stickers.  (Side note: I'm almost certain that most Aggie bumpkins don't have a clue what the HRC, let alone what the blue and yellow equal sign sticker means, so I don't think it contributed.)

Both my parents agree that I should probably take the stickers off my car...and I agree.  I hate that I have to.  I hate that I can't express my views without my vehicle being vandalized.  If you disagree with me, then let's have a civilized discussion/debate.  I am vehemently opposed to many Republican figures/politicians/candidates, but I'm not going to vandalize something because of it.  It just frustrates me so much.

If you disagree with other's views, don't be a dick about it.  That may be crude, but it's true.  Be respectful, be open to listening.  You may not come to a understanding, but you can at least agree to disagree and be okay about it.  Ugh, I'll get off my soapbox now...here are the pics.

Oh, and I got it fixed today so all is well...

EDIT: (like 20 minutes after I originally posted this) I want to thank my wonderful boyfriend for carting me around all day yesterday and today.  He's such a sweetheart, such a trooper, and didn't even complain.  He's a keeper :)

Spring Break Recap

I just got back from grocery shopping and, I've got to say, shopping after being gone for a week sucks.  Eating today before shopping was even worse.  No milk for cereal, no bread for toast or a sandwich, no veggies, no fruit, no nothing.  Now my pantry and fridge is all stocked and it all looks delicious :)

I had a whirlwind week, but I can safely say it was amazing.  Two weekends ago, I got to see a ton of people in a very short amount of time, and I got to have Andrew by my side for all of it.  Dinner and drinks with Oscar downtown Saturday, Brunch with Laura and Jenny Sunday, and dinner with my mom, my bestie, and all my mom's adopted kids (all my high school friends).  Those jam packed two days were just the beginning of the best spring break I've had.  The only sad part was having to leave my cat with my dad for a week, but he was super glad to see me last night when we finally got home and he was even good in the car on the way back to College Station.

Back in December, Andrew asked me to travel to Denver with him over Spring Break to meet his sister and brother-in-law.  Ever since, I was super excited and nervous at the same time.  He had met most of my family already, but this was going to be the first time for me meeting anyone of his.  I was worrying and nervous for nothing because his sister and brother-in-law are super laid back, incredibly nice, and really awesome people to spend time with.  Their house is beautiful and Denver as a whole is a gorgeous place to live.

We watched a TON of basketball while we were there (March Madness, duh) and we all took solace in each other's company as we lamented the utter beating our brackets took.  They were sad Harvard lost, Andrew was sad Montana lost, and I was happy that Baylor won (twice, but who's counting?).  Friday night, we watched Beauty and the Beast on stage in downtown Denver, Saturday we went to the St. Patrick's Day Parade and walked around LoDo (Lower Downtown), and that night, we went to the Nuggets vs. Celtics game.  Sunday, Andrew and I went to Red Rocks Park/Amphitheater, which was absolutely stunning.  It kind of sucked though because I am definitely not used to that high of altitude.  I was sitting down trying to not die while little kids were running around me and a hundred people were exercising, running up and down the rows of seats.  Jerks...anyway...

After Red Rocks, we went on the Coors Brewery tour which was really cool.  I had never been to a brewery before and free beer is always nice.  No pics from the brewery because I suck at remembering to take pictures (sober or otherwise).  The last stop of the day was a Mediterranean restaurant in downtown Boulder.  We met up with a couple Andrew knew from undergrad and had dinner with them and a few of their friends.  The food and company was fantastic.  It was cool to get to talk with people who have known Andrew for so long, and I discovered bacon-wrapped dates should be a staple at every meal.  So delicious.

Yesterday, we flew back to Texas, got in around 10 pm, drove back to get my cat, and then drove back to  College Station...needless to say, it was a long long day.

All in all, it was the best Spring Break I've ever had.  I got to spend it with the man I love and got to meet people (family and friends) he cares about.  

Now it's back to the daily grind of grad school.  At least I have my cat and man at my side for it :)

I hate packing

I hate packing for trips, especially when I'm flying.  If you're driving in the car, you have more room for stuff, so there's a less chance you'll forget something.  But when you're flying, you have limited space, limited weight, and limitless opportunity to forget something really important.

I also hate packing to move.  While I'm really excited to be moving at the end of the summer, I am NOT looking forward to packing my stuff.  I am a firm believer that once the stuff you own finds out you're moving, it starts to asexually reproduce.  "How did I end up with 6 rolls of duct tape? Did I really have this many bottles of body spray? Why do I have so many sticky note pads?!? I have too many books..."  Packing will be interesting, but luckily, my wonderful boyfriend will help me out if I need it.  I'm glad that I will be moving into the new apartment first,  (Our leases are a few weeks off from each other) so I get to unpack first.  PINK EVERYWHERE.  Haha, no.  I told him that I wouldn't decorate without his input.  It'll just be less stress to get most of my unpacking done without having to deal with twice as much stuff and boxes being in the way.  As long as Andrew doesn't unpack everything I own indiscriminately while he's helping me without even bothering to put it away before he unpacked the next box, we'll be ok.  Luckily, he's not neurotic like everyone I'm related to by blood and/or marriage.  Don't get me wrong, I love all of my parents to death, but they are all four a perfect storm of awesome craziness.

Also, I'll pay people to help me move my stuff (it'll just be in CS, so nothing like my last move) with gas money (if you don't live in B/CS and come help me move), pizza, and beer.

My cat is going to be so freaked out during the move though...freakout and thoroughly disgruntled.  Wait until he finds out we're probably getting a dog too.  Eeeps, I'll just deal with that when it comes :)