Friday, July 12, 2013

It's Been A While

It's been a little while since I've posted anything.  The past several months, since December really, have been quite tumultuous, but everything is falling into place...kind of.

First off, I need to change the title and name of my blog since I'm not in Aggieland anymore.  I made the very difficult, but ultimately the best for me, decision to leave Texas A&M without my Masters.  I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a while, but it has always been relatively manageable and never got in the way of school or any responsibilities I had, like work.  This past spring, however, it manifested in my school work, or lack thereof, I guess.  I physically couldn't work on my thesis.  I had an office with all of my stuff set up, but every time I thought about going in to work, I would get nauseous, my chest would get tight, and I would start having a mini-freakout.  I thought that if I switched from a thesis to a non-thesis, it would help solve my problems, but it didn't.  It affected all of my schoolwork.  After I switched my degree path, I started going to counseling at A&M.  For all of my friends that are still at TAMU and for my friends elsewhere, go talk to someone if you need to.  Don't be afraid.  It really helped me.

Through counseling, I had to come to the extremely hard conclusion that my choices had to be what was best for me, and stop worrying about the "what ifs." What if I disappoint everyone?  What if I let everyone down?  What if I fail?  What if I regret it?  What if, what if, what if.  They plagued me, but through the counseling and my awesome counselor, I was able to get to the place I needed to be: the place where I had to do what was best for ME.  Not my parents, not my friends, not my family, not even my boyfriend.  I had to take care of myself for once, and not worry about everyone else.  It was hard.  My boyfriend is the most supportive person on the planet, so he was behind me 100% no matter what I decided.  I was most worried about letting my parents down, but they love me and support me no matter what as well.

I was miserable, depressed, stressed, and anxious and had to make the decision, and I did.  I left A&M.  I'm back in Kingwood for the time being, working downtown for a while, while I look for a permanent, full-time job.  I eventually want to go and get a business certificate, but I have to know where we'll end up first and still unknown.

Andrew and I are still figuring out where we are going to end up and what we're going to be doing.  The only definite we have going for us is that we're together and love each other.  Where we end up is completely up in the air.  If Andrew doesn't hear from any jobs he's applied to by August 1st, then he's moving to Houston with me and we're going from there.  I'm pretty stressed that we don't have a definite plan yet, but I haven't let it consume me.  I can't.  I don't ever want to feel like that again.

So, there you have it.  Most people knew, but not everyone.  I'm still running into people that I haven't told yet, so hopefully, this post helps.

Also, if you can think of any good blog names/titles, please let me know :)

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