Grad School Round 2

A year between blog posts.  I should probably be better and more frequent with them.  I wonder how many times I've said that on here (let alone how many times I've said that TO myself in the past year).

As you can see by the post title, I'm going back to school y'all.  Those that have known me for a while may say "but Lizzy/Elizabeth, you already tried that before...and quit."  YES I KNOW.  Ok, I know.  But this time feels different.  It is different.  When I went to A&M after graduating from Baylor, I went for the wrong reasons.  I didn't have a direction in life and thought "oh, Masters in Anthropology is the logical next step from a Bachelors in Anthropology."  I wasn't thinking, "yes, I know what the hell to do with me life."

I don't regret anything I've done in my life (besides some questionable first dates, wardrobe choice, and staying up past my bedtime on certain occasions).  Going to A&M and leaving A&M brought me to where I am today.  I wouldn't have found Pinnacle if I had majored in something different at Baylor, or if I had decided to go to Columbia for grad school.  (My dad STILL brings it up and the last time, I shut him down quite...tersely. I can't change that decision and I don't want to dwell on it.)

This Wednesday, July 5th, will mark my one year anniversary on my project team and one year since CTS dissolved.  My fellow team leads and I outlasted our manager and have all landed on our feet on various teams and departments.  In August, it will be my fourth anniversary at Pinnacle.  At the end of this year, my term on the Advisory Board (Pinnacle's employee-led Board of Directors) will come to a close.  

"Lizzy, what do all your milestones at Pinnacle have to do with you going back to school for your MBA?"  Everything, it has everything to do with it.  I want to advance my career at Pinnacle even more.  And if (God forbid) anything ever happens and I have to part ways with Pinnacle (either my choice or theirs), I want to make sure that I'm fully equipped to land on my feet in the workforce.  

So, just two short weeks after my 4th work-iversary, I start at UHCL.  And I can't freaking wait :)

Ch-ch-ch-changes (at work)

It's been a month since my last blog post and I wanted to post something insightful and deep, but I'm coming up short.  I've been in a daze/been moving in slow motion for the past three and half weeks since I found out about the integration/dissolution of my department at work.

It's a big change.  A big change that is necessary for the business and a change that I'm looking forward to seeing the opportunities it gives me and my fellow ex-CTS'ers.  While I understand the "why" and agree with the "pros," the decision and the subsequent several weeks have taken an emotional toll on me and others in my (now defunct) department.  There have been some bumps and potholes along the way that have made the journey difficult to process.  That's to be expected though with any major change.

Today was moving day and we are all now sitting with our new respective teams.  It felt GREAT getting my new desk completely setup and unpacked.  I'm looking forward to going back to work Tuesday after the long weekend and hit the ground running.  I'm still going to be putting some of the puzzle pieces back together, but I'm excited for what the future holds.  I had my first goals meeting with my new supervisor this afternoon and it made me feel much better.  It only reinforced that I am a part of a great team (the best team at Pinnacle) and feel confident that I will only keep feeling better about it all.

Eh, I guess the post turned out alright after all.

Anxiety: My Old (and Current) Enemy

I haven't posted for a while (duh) and I've been thinking about getting back on here.  Getting back to expressing myself.  At this point, I don't even care if anyone reads it, but I need to have an outlet. 

I re-read my last post and it blew my mind.  1) I had forgotten that I had written.  2) I want to get back to that confident version of me.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much has changed in my life since I was blogging regularly.  I've been at for almost 3 years now.  I'm accomplished and respected and BUST my ass.  I know I work hard, I know I'm doing well, others are even telling me so, but my anxiety is creeping back into my life.

Up until I was 24, my anxiety ruled my life.  It made me lash out, it made me second guess myself, it made me question everyone.  I was never good enough.  No matter how hard I tried, I always had a voice in my head saying "well, you could have worked harder.  You could have worked longer.  You could have done this/that/whatever."

Fast forward to now.  I'm a leader within my department and within the company as a whole.  Everyone tells me I'm doing ok.  Doing better than ok.  I'm a badass.  I have so much potential.  I'm going to go far within the company. 

But I still feel like a failure. That I'm not living up to the expectations set before me.  That nothing I ever do is good enough.  That I'M not good enough...f**king anxiety is back with a vengeance.

So, what now?  What do I do?  Well, I'm trying.  I'm trying to help myself because I can't ignore it anymore.  I'm learning to say "no" if I can't take something on and I'm asking for help when I need it.  Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  It's a sign of maturity.  It's not me against the world.  I have backup :)  I have my co-workers (who are AMAZING by the way).  I've been asking for help at work which is a good first step, but it's not enough.  I have to get help with ME.  Not just typing up a blog post and call it therapy, but real therapy. 

I need to talk to a counselor/psychologist.  I also need to see a psychiatrist and gets my meds adjusted.  For too long, I've been ashamed that I take anti-anxiety medication, but no more.  I'm not going to let myself be swallowed by the mental health stigma that is still very pervasive in our culture. 

I want to be confident again.  I want to believe everyone else around me.  I don't want to be scared and sad anymore.

I'm sorry for such a self-obsessed, "oh woe is me" blog post, but it's something I needed to get out there.  I want to update this more regularly, so hopefully, I'll be back soon with something a little more exciting. 

Enough

Whelp, I guess I haven't been updating this as regularly as I had hoped.  Oh well.  I'm updating it now.  Like my blog summary says, I'm still journeying to self-discovery. I'm young, I'm single, I have a great job, I have great friends.  The world is my proverbial oyster.

Through all of my recent journeying in life, I somehow have turned into someone I don't recognize.  Some may agree, some may disagree, but ultimately, all that matters is how I perceive myself.  I'm not going to lie.  I've had my ups and down.  I've made good decisions, hard decisions, questionable decisions, and down-right terrible decisions, but through it all, they are MINE.  They shape who I am.  They will shape who I become, who I am becoming.  So, when I say I've turned into someone I don't recognize, please don't assume I mean that I don't like who I am right now.  I'm just a different version of the person I used to be.

This past weekend influenced me to finally update this blog and write this specific post.  In my personal growth, I encountered moments where I haven't felt like I was enough.  What could I do differently?  Do I need to be prettier? Thinner? Smarter? Dumber? Quieter? Louder?  More daring?  More demure? What do I need to do in order for XYZ?  I cannot begin to tell y'all how many times I've questioned myself and asked the question, "Am I enough?"

Like I mentioned, this weekend kind of gave me an answer.  Quite unexpectedly since I didn't realize I was actively asking the question.  But here was the answer, right in front of me.  I was enough.  Don't get me wrong.  Being enough isn't...well, enough.  Everything in life takes hard work.  A new job, a promotion, a raise, losing weight, eating right, a first date, a new relationship, hell even a one-night stand.  Everything takes hard work.  But I realized that if someone says "no" to whatever it may be, it wasn't because I wasn't enough.  I just needed to work that much harder.  Learn the skills for that position, take time to ask for help, make the first step and ask for HIS or HER number instead of waiting for the opposite to happen.  If I can get it into my head that the absolute worst thing that can happen is that I'll hear, "No," then I think I can be that much more of a happier person.  And, you know what, "no" may be the best thing I need to hear at that moment.  "No" isn't always a bad thing.  "No" opens unexpected doors.  I'm going to try and start embracing "no," as hard as it will be.

TL;DR Don't ever think you're not smart enough.  Apply for that school/program/scholarship, apply for that job.  If they say no, learn from the experience.  Grow from it.

Don't ever think you're not pretty enough.  God, I've thought that so many times.  And to this day, it still blows my mind when guys that I think are ridiculously out of my league express interest.  "Me? Really?  Nooooo....pfffft...you're crazy."   DON'T!  I keep being surprised...like seriously.  Just trust me.

You're enough.  I'm enough.  Don't fall into the self-doubt spiral.  It sucks.  I'm slowly crawling out.  I'll lend you a hand to get out if you need one. *hugs*

Change of Scenery

I sit here typing this on my new couch and in my new apartment.  I've been here a little over a week and (for the most part) everything is unpacked. Oh sure, I have towers of boxes in my spare bedroom...buuuut I don't have to look at those, lol.  One of my bookshelves didn't survive the move and I still need to get a dining room table, but both of those aren't at the forefront of my mind right now.

No, I'm not going to talk about it.  Yes, I'm fine.  We're on good terms.  Anything else isn't your business, so there.

Ben is acclimating well.  He is currently laying on the carpet next to the coffee table upside down asleep.  He sleeps in bed with me every night and is a total bed hog :)  I think he likes having the run of the place.  With all the boxes and random pieces of furniture around, it's like one big cat playground in here.

I miss my dad and stepmom though :( I miss the dogs.  I miss Monkey (one of Susan's cats).  I don't miss Fu (Susan's other cat) because he's an asshole.  A cute, plush, loud asshole.

I'm 15 minutes (ish, depending on traffic) from work now.  Holy balls, it's nice to be this close to work.  Yay more sleep!  I love work.  I love that every day I learn something new and, in turn, I get to help others learn something new as well.  I am incredibly blessed that I get to work with such amazing people.  It's an amazing melting pot of different people, but I wouldn't trade them or what I'm doing for anything right now :)

It's bedtime for this Bonzo.  Hopefully, I'll start updating this more regularly.  We'll see.

The Spreadsheet and Folio: Part Two

Ok everyone, where was I?  I had survived my two phone interviews and had been asked to come in for two different face-to-face interviews the week I returned from visiting California.  Fast-forward to this past Monday (July 22nd) evening.  After work, I went and helped out with my friends' kids and got home around 9:00ish.  I was exhausted, but I had to do my interview homework.  Homework? Yes, homework.  The sales job wanted me to bring in a typed-up research assignment.  This particular company is a logistics company that is essentially the middleman between trucking companies and the companies that make whatever products.  It wanted me to find three different carriers (one each that was primarily flatbed, dry goods, and refrigeration) with more than 50 trucks, headquarters address, and phone number.  Not terribly hard, but still a pain when I was super tired, and had to get up early to get ready for my other interview.

I found everything I needed and eventually got to bed pretty late (~midnight) when I had to get up at 5.  Not fun at all.  I was worried I was going to get up late or leave the house late, but I was fine.  I got down to Pasadena for the first interview of the day 40 minutes before my scheduled interview time.  Since I didn't want to be "that" person, I drove around and found a gas station parking lot to kill some time on my phone waiting.  I figured 15 minutes early was good.  I was so nervous.  The drive down was fine (about 45 minutes from my house) and the gas station waiting was fine, but once I pulled into the parking lot and started gathering my purse and folio (which, by the way, Andrew's awesome sister and brother-in-law gave me for Christmas, and was perfect!), I was inwardly a nervous wreck.  I could feel my hands starting to shake as I took the keys out of the ignition.

Don't forget, this is the job I really wanted.  I wanted this job because I felt like I could do a really great job at it.  At Irelan Hargis, I created and implemented their entire closed file network system, helping them go from storing physical documents in storage rooms to (almost) completely digital.  The job I wanted was similar, but also drastically different.  Not a law firm and I wasn't doing the actual scanning.  The company is an engineering consulting company that does inspections of and creates risk management plans for assets at oil and engineering companies around the world.  The job I was applying for looks at the scanned documents from the inspectors, extracts important data from each doc, compiles the data into a streamlined fashion, names and organizes the documents.  I was intrigued.  It sounded like it was something I could reasonably do, but also, was foreign enough to where I wasn't going to get bored anytime soon.  I wanted a challenge.  I love learning and this sounded like the next step I wanted to take.


When I first got there, I was taken into a conference room for preliminary testing before I had my interview.  I took an abbreviated Wonderlic test (only 15 questions, 7 minutes) and stumbled on the last math question.  I hate math, but whatever.  I figured I got everything else right, so I didn't worry about that part.  After the Wonderlic test, I was given a laptop with a Word doc open that was a set of instructions.  I had 20 minutes to finish the tasks.  It was super easy.  Copy some folders to the desktop, in folder 1, make a new folder, move file "aiudgf982etrksjf" into it (there were about 50 files with all similar gibberish file names and I had to pick the right one), open the file and rename it with the revision date found in the doc, open folder 2, make 3 new folders (receipts/invoices, inspection reports, drawings), open the 3 docs in folder 2 and place them in the corresponding new folders.  The last task was to recreate a simple table in Excel that was on the Word Doc.  Thinking back and I literally just now as I'm typing this, I realize I probably could have copy and pasted it...oh well.  I legitimately recreated it to a T with time to spare, even with the battery dying on the old ass laptop I was using.

Then came the interview.  Even though I was nervous, I wasn't as nervous as when I first walked in...if that makes any sense.  As I was waiting after the testing, I managed not to psych myself out, which, honestly, is a massive improvement for me.  The interview was pretty standard.  He asked me open-ended questions that specifically pertained to me, which allowed me to kind of ramble (in a good way) and not have to give boring stock interview question answers.  I was able to describe the work I do at Irelan Hargis, how I started the closed filing system, and what I'm doing right now as a file clerk.  

Like I said in my previous post, I was able to use my Kappa Delta leadership experience in my interview.  The interviewer asked me questions about my various experiences on my resume and I got to talk extensively about KD.  Between talking about how I became treasurer and VP - Standards and all my various duties (including being everyone's favorite person before and after events), I think he was pretty impressed.  For everyone out there doubting right now, you try being the Standards chair of a frat or sorority at a dry college campus and then try to tell me it's not that hard.  
After the interview, I asked what the next step was and they said I should I hear from someone in the next few days.  As I walked back to my car, I instantly started second guessing everything I had said in the interview.  Crap, I didn't ask enough questions, did me rambling about KD hurt my chances, did I seem too nervous?  All I could do was go home.  There was nothing else in my power to help me get that job.  It was a waiting game from then on.
Then came the next interview.  Well...

It wasn't enough time.  I woke up nauseous and even more tired than I was before.  I made the executive decision not to go to the second interview.  I didn't want that job.  I'm not a sales oriented person.  I don't want to work a job based solely on commission.  So I didn't go.  
It turns out.  I made the right choice :)  Typically, I don't like being woken up from naps.  I mean, seriously, who does?  So when my phone started ringing AND it was a weird number, I was pissed.  After my eyes came back into focus, I realized the number was from the area of my first job interview.  I cleared my throat and answered.  It was the awesome woman who had phone interviewed me!  I didn't get a chance to meet her during my face-to-face that morning so she was calling to touch base with me and see how I felt the interview went.  I told her that I thought that it went well.  I like Taylore and Pedro and really enjoyed the young vibe of the company in general.  She said she was glad that I liked the company and thought the interview went well because she had spoken with Pedro (the person who interviewed me) and he thought the interview went well too and the company wanted to extend the job to me.

I got a job.  I got a job!  I GOT A JOB!!!! I was happy and excited.  I still am happy and excited!  My last day at my old job is August 9th.  It's going to be extremely bittersweet.  I have learned so much and gained invaluable skills from working there over the years.  I'm going to miss everyone too :(  
But, more than anything, I'm excited!  I have a job!  I know that most people wouldn't spend two giant blog posts breaking down their quest for a particular job, but I'm not most people.  I have had a really rough year and, if I get down to the nitty-gritty, a rough few years.  I've felt a few times like I hit rock bottom, felt so bad that nothing ever seemed like it would ever be good again.  This past spring, as I fell my furthest and decided to leave grad school, I realized that "rock bottom" didn't have to such a bad thing.  Life could only get better from where I was.  My awesome counselor helped me get to that point.  Leaving school was the best decision for me and it's only going up from here.  THAT'S why me getting a job is such a big deal. 
Of course, now I just have everything else to worry about...eh, I'll just enjoy this while I can :)

The Spreadsheet and Folio: Part One

B*sigh* This past week has felt really long, really short, and really busy.  A week ago, I got back from California where I spent time with my mom, stepdad, stepbrothers, and the cutest, sweetest nephews a girl could ask for.  While this is a tangent from my original train of thought, I definitely contemplated taking some stowaways on to my plane.  I miss those little guys, but I digress.  Between traveling, getting back to work, job interviews, and helping out friends with their kids here at home in the evenings, I'm a little tired this week.

At work, I came back to a boatload of newly closed case files that all need to get scanned into the system.  It wouldn't be so bad if one of them alone didn't have six boxes...but I'll get a lot of it done before the new girl starts.  I don't want to leave her with as big of a mess that I was left with.  It'll probably be a manageable mess :)

You probably read "job interviews" in the first paragraph and are wondering why I haven't talked about them yet.  Since I got back to Houston, I have known that I was not going to be staying at Irelan Hargis forever.  I was either moving to wherever Andrew got a job once that happened or getting a permanent, full-time job in Houston if Andrew moved here.  Because I hate not having a plan, I started looking for jobs right away at the beginning of the summer.  I poured over Craigslist, Monster, Indeed, and CareerBuilder.  I made a spreadsheet of all the jobs I applied to.  Forty made it on the list and at least 10-20 others did not because of applying through Craigslist.  Needless to say, I applied for a few jobs in the past few months.  You're probably asking yourself, "Lizzy, what do you want to do with your life?" and "What sort of jobs did you apply for?" In response to those questions, I say, "STOP PRESSURING ME!" and "Clerical type jobs."Out of all of those, I got 3-4 confirmed denials.  Straight-up "thank you for applying, but no thank you."  I wish I had gotten more of those.  Knowing those said "no" meant I didn't have to wonder and could just move on to the next one.

A turning point came at the beginning of July.  The day before I left for my 4th of July weekend vacation in Austin with Andrew I did my daily ritual of perusing the job sites and applying for applicable jobs that I had a chance at getting.  I don't remember all of the jobs I applied for that day, but the two that stand out are the ones I got contacted for interviews! Insert "Muppet Flail" here!  I finally had good news!  They didn't think I was some pathetic applicant that had her sorority leadership experience on her resume so it wouldn't look empty.  (Turned out, it helped in my interview, but more on that later.)

I had two phone interviews scheduled for the week after I got back from Austin.  I was super nervous. Pit in my stomach, chest wrenching anxiety-type nervous. I really wanted to impress and dazzle them with my fantastic personality and charm over the phone so I could get a face-to-face interview.   Well, actually having the phone interviews took way more effort than I originally thought it would.  The first day of attempts started with one woman not answering when I called so I had to leave a voicemail with my info.  Not the end of the world.  Nothing was planned yet for a conversation, but I had been really hoping to get that one out of the way.  No dice.  After that call, I was supposed to have the other potential job call me.  Well...that didn't happen that day.  She never called.  I was discouraged, but wouldn't let it get me down.  That afternoon, I emailed the woman who was supposed to call me, asking politely "WTF?"  That evening, before I went to bed, I heard from the other job (the one where I left a vmail) and set up an actual phone interview for the next day! Squee! I was so excited because that was the job I really wanted (descriptions to come later, I promise).

That morning when I got to work, I was super excited because I heard from the one job the night before and got an email from the other one apologizing for calendaring the wrong time for our call and rescheduled for two days later.  Understandable.  She was calling from a different time zone.  Lunchtime rolled around and I got myself all set up in an empty office to take my incoming call.  Ten minutes later (ten minutes after she was supposed to call), there was nothing coming from my phone besides frustration and Candy Crush.  I went back to work but had my cell next to me for the next two hours.  Nothing :(  I WAS SO SAD.  That phone interview was the one I was really looking forward to.  That afternoon, I emailed this lady with a polite "WTF?" email as well, but added in this one how much I liked the position and how I thought I would be great fit and since her schedule seemed crazy she could call me at any time that she was free.  If the position had been filled, so be it.  I would move on, but I wasn't giving up until I heard something concrete.

The next day was the phone interview for the other job that I was less enthused about.  The reason I was less enthused about it was...well...it was a sales position.  For anyone who has met me, I probably don't seem like much of a sales person.  I sure as hell know I don't think of myself as one, but regardless, I applied for the position because it said no prior experience necessary and it would come with a lot of training.  Once I heard from them through email, I figured I would do the phone interview and see what I thought after that.  If I got an in-person interview, sweet! I'd go to it and go from there.  Surprise surprise, she ACTUALLY called! I was nervous, but once I started talking to her, it was very easy and I calmed down.  The job was very sales-y and sooooo not me, but I was offered an in-person interview. Score!  Since I was going to Cali the next week, I set it up for the next Tuesday the week I got back.  It gave me time to prepare and hopefully hear from the other place.

I was riding high.  I had this surge of self-esteem and was just generally happy after the call.  Afterwards, I set my phone down to charge at my desk and went to get my lunch together.  It took about 5 minutes or less, but in that f**king five minutes, THE OTHER JOB CALLED ME.  She left a voicemail, THANK GOD, but seriously?!?!? I MISSED IT?!? UGH.  Luckily, the voicemail essentially said, "sorry, call me at this number 555-555-5555, and we can do your interview. kthxbai."  I pressed pause on my lunch, and scurried back into the empty office for the call.  I gathered all my notes, made sure I had a pen to write with, took a deep breath and plunged into it.  It went really really well.  I really liked how the job sounded.  The original job title was "Project Administrative Assistant," but had been changed to "Asset Integrity Technician." Identical job, just different job title.  We talked for about 20 minutes or so, and at the end of it, she asked me to come in for a face-to-face interview! YAY!  I set it up for the morning of the same day as my other interview.  No sense in missing too much of my current job if I could avoid it.

And that's where I leave you. Yes, I know, it's a cliff-hanger, but FFS, this post is long.*  Stay tuned kids for the next episode of "The Spreadsheet and Folio."  How will the job interviews go?  Will I get any job offers? Will I remember to actually write the part 2 of this story? Tune in, next week? Eh, just check Facebook/Twitter and I'll let you know when it's up. <3

*"FFS" is an acronym where the middle "f" is a curse word. Related to, "For Goodness Sake." *The More You Know*