Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Disappointment and Embarrassment

Are you the type of person the replays moments over and over in your head? It could be 9-10 years later, but you replay the biggest argument you and your significant other had, how you felt, what you should have done differently.  Or maybe you replay an interaction with a crush.  How that funny joke totally fell flat, how you accidentally snorted or blew a snot bubble, and instantly felt mortified.

Or...maybe you replay interactions or decisions at work.  Conversations you wish you could go back and change what you say or how you say it.  Maybe it was a bad day and you came across like a huge bitch, but you were just trying learn or help.  Or you replay the decision to say something when you shouldn't have, or put your trust in someone you shouldn't.

I replay everything...I pick it apart, analyze. What did I do wrong?  What could I have done better? Sometimes mere minutes after, sometimes YEARS after.  I hate it.

But it's the worst when I don't realize anything is wrong...when I thought the conversation went well.  When I thought that the question I asked was innocuous, or worse, when I thought it was actually helpful.  When someone took offense or was hurt and I was oblivious to it all.

You would think I would hate it when these instances are brought to my attention and fight back instead. "Uh, no, that's not me. I don't do that/say that/act like that."  But, no, I don't hate it or try to fight it.  If I hated it, I would never learn and grow.  I would never work on my shortcomings.  But even though I know that this is a learning opportunity and that I'm blessed to work with such supportive and encouraging individuals...I'm so incredibly disappointed in myself.  I'm embarrassed.  I don't hate being told I was wrong.  I hate that I ever made the decision or said the thing in the first place. 

Anger is fleeting. But disappointment lingers.  The disappointment I have in myself and the disappointment others have in me.  Now, I work to rebuild my faith in myself, so I can work to rebuild others' faith in me.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Grad School Round 2

A year between blog posts.  I should probably be better and more frequent with them.  I wonder how many times I've said that on here (let alone how many times I've said that TO myself in the past year).

As you can see by the post title, I'm going back to school y'all.  Those that have known me for a while may say "but Lizzy/Elizabeth, you already tried that before...and quit."  YES I KNOW.  Ok, I know.  But this time feels different.  It is different.  When I went to A&M after graduating from Baylor, I went for the wrong reasons.  I didn't have a direction in life and thought "oh, Masters in Anthropology is the logical next step from a Bachelors in Anthropology."  I wasn't thinking, "yes, I know what the hell to do with me life."

I don't regret anything I've done in my life (besides some questionable first dates, wardrobe choice, and staying up past my bedtime on certain occasions).  Going to A&M and leaving A&M brought me to where I am today.  I wouldn't have found Pinnacle if I had majored in something different at Baylor, or if I had decided to go to Columbia for grad school.  (My dad STILL brings it up and the last time, I shut him down quite...tersely. I can't change that decision and I don't want to dwell on it.)

This Wednesday, July 5th, will mark my one year anniversary on my project team and one year since CTS dissolved.  My fellow team leads and I outlasted our manager and have all landed on our feet on various teams and departments.  In August, it will be my fourth anniversary at Pinnacle.  At the end of this year, my term on the Advisory Board (Pinnacle's employee-led Board of Directors) will come to a close.  

"Lizzy, what do all your milestones at Pinnacle have to do with you going back to school for your MBA?"  Everything, it has everything to do with it.  I want to advance my career at Pinnacle even more.  And if (God forbid) anything ever happens and I have to part ways with Pinnacle (either my choice or theirs), I want to make sure that I'm fully equipped to land on my feet in the workforce.  

So, just two short weeks after my 4th work-iversary, I start at UHCL.  And I can't freaking wait :)

Friday, July 1, 2016

Ch-ch-ch-changes (at work)

It's been a month since my last blog post and I wanted to post something insightful and deep, but I'm coming up short.  I've been in a daze/been moving in slow motion for the past three and half weeks since I found out about the integration/dissolution of my department at work.

It's a big change.  A big change that is necessary for the business and a change that I'm looking forward to seeing the opportunities it gives me and my fellow ex-CTS'ers.  While I understand the "why" and agree with the "pros," the decision and the subsequent several weeks have taken an emotional toll on me and others in my (now defunct) department.  There have been some bumps and potholes along the way that have made the journey difficult to process.  That's to be expected though with any major change.

Today was moving day and we are all now sitting with our new respective teams.  It felt GREAT getting my new desk completely setup and unpacked.  I'm looking forward to going back to work Tuesday after the long weekend and hit the ground running.  I'm still going to be putting some of the puzzle pieces back together, but I'm excited for what the future holds.  I had my first goals meeting with my new supervisor this afternoon and it made me feel much better.  It only reinforced that I am a part of a great team (the best team at Pinnacle) and feel confident that I will only keep feeling better about it all.

Eh, I guess the post turned out alright after all.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Anxiety: My Old (and Current) Enemy

I haven't posted for a while (duh) and I've been thinking about getting back on here.  Getting back to expressing myself.  At this point, I don't even care if anyone reads it, but I need to have an outlet. 

I re-read my last post and it blew my mind.  1) I had forgotten that I had written.  2) I want to get back to that confident version of me.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much has changed in my life since I was blogging regularly.  I've been at for almost 3 years now.  I'm accomplished and respected and BUST my ass.  I know I work hard, I know I'm doing well, others are even telling me so, but my anxiety is creeping back into my life.

Up until I was 24, my anxiety ruled my life.  It made me lash out, it made me second guess myself, it made me question everyone.  I was never good enough.  No matter how hard I tried, I always had a voice in my head saying "well, you could have worked harder.  You could have worked longer.  You could have done this/that/whatever."

Fast forward to now.  I'm a leader within my department and within the company as a whole.  Everyone tells me I'm doing ok.  Doing better than ok.  I'm a badass.  I have so much potential.  I'm going to go far within the company. 

But I still feel like a failure. That I'm not living up to the expectations set before me.  That nothing I ever do is good enough.  That I'M not good enough...f**king anxiety is back with a vengeance.

So, what now?  What do I do?  Well, I'm trying.  I'm trying to help myself because I can't ignore it anymore.  I'm learning to say "no" if I can't take something on and I'm asking for help when I need it.  Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of strength.  It's a sign of maturity.  It's not me against the world.  I have backup :)  I have my co-workers (who are AMAZING by the way).  I've been asking for help at work which is a good first step, but it's not enough.  I have to get help with ME.  Not just typing up a blog post and call it therapy, but real therapy. 

I need to talk to a counselor/psychologist.  I also need to see a psychiatrist and gets my meds adjusted.  For too long, I've been ashamed that I take anti-anxiety medication, but no more.  I'm not going to let myself be swallowed by the mental health stigma that is still very pervasive in our culture. 

I want to be confident again.  I want to believe everyone else around me.  I don't want to be scared and sad anymore.

I'm sorry for such a self-obsessed, "oh woe is me" blog post, but it's something I needed to get out there.  I want to update this more regularly, so hopefully, I'll be back soon with something a little more exciting. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


Whelp, I guess I haven't been updating this as regularly as I had hoped.  Oh well.  I'm updating it now.  Like my blog summary says, I'm still journeying to self-discovery. I'm young, I'm single, I have a great job, I have great friends.  The world is my proverbial oyster.

Through all of my recent journeying in life, I somehow have turned into someone I don't recognize.  Some may agree, some may disagree, but ultimately, all that matters is how I perceive myself.  I'm not going to lie.  I've had my ups and down.  I've made good decisions, hard decisions, questionable decisions, and down-right terrible decisions, but through it all, they are MINE.  They shape who I am.  They will shape who I become, who I am becoming.  So, when I say I've turned into someone I don't recognize, please don't assume I mean that I don't like who I am right now.  I'm just a different version of the person I used to be.

This past weekend influenced me to finally update this blog and write this specific post.  In my personal growth, I encountered moments where I haven't felt like I was enough.  What could I do differently?  Do I need to be prettier? Thinner? Smarter? Dumber? Quieter? Louder?  More daring?  More demure? What do I need to do in order for XYZ?  I cannot begin to tell y'all how many times I've questioned myself and asked the question, "Am I enough?"

Like I mentioned, this weekend kind of gave me an answer.  Quite unexpectedly since I didn't realize I was actively asking the question.  But here was the answer, right in front of me.  I was enough.  Don't get me wrong.  Being enough isn't...well, enough.  Everything in life takes hard work.  A new job, a promotion, a raise, losing weight, eating right, a first date, a new relationship, hell even a one-night stand.  Everything takes hard work.  But I realized that if someone says "no" to whatever it may be, it wasn't because I wasn't enough.  I just needed to work that much harder.  Learn the skills for that position, take time to ask for help, make the first step and ask for HIS or HER number instead of waiting for the opposite to happen.  If I can get it into my head that the absolute worst thing that can happen is that I'll hear, "No," then I think I can be that much more of a happier person.  And, you know what, "no" may be the best thing I need to hear at that moment.  "No" isn't always a bad thing.  "No" opens unexpected doors.  I'm going to try and start embracing "no," as hard as it will be.

TL;DR Don't ever think you're not smart enough.  Apply for that school/program/scholarship, apply for that job.  If they say no, learn from the experience.  Grow from it.

Don't ever think you're not pretty enough.  God, I've thought that so many times.  And to this day, it still blows my mind when guys that I think are ridiculously out of my league express interest.  "Me? Really?  Nooooo....pfffft...you're crazy."   DON'T!  I keep being surprised...like seriously.  Just trust me.

You're enough.  I'm enough.  Don't fall into the self-doubt spiral.  It sucks.  I'm slowly crawling out.  I'll lend you a hand to get out if you need one. *hugs*

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Change of Scenery

I sit here typing this on my new couch and in my new apartment.  I've been here a little over a week and (for the most part) everything is unpacked. Oh sure, I have towers of boxes in my spare bedroom...buuuut I don't have to look at those, lol.  One of my bookshelves didn't survive the move and I still need to get a dining room table, but both of those aren't at the forefront of my mind right now.

No, I'm not going to talk about it.  Yes, I'm fine.  We're on good terms.  Anything else isn't your business, so there.

Ben is acclimating well.  He is currently laying on the carpet next to the coffee table upside down asleep.  He sleeps in bed with me every night and is a total bed hog :)  I think he likes having the run of the place.  With all the boxes and random pieces of furniture around, it's like one big cat playground in here.

I miss my dad and stepmom though :( I miss the dogs.  I miss Monkey (one of Susan's cats).  I don't miss Fu (Susan's other cat) because he's an asshole.  A cute, plush, loud asshole.

I'm 15 minutes (ish, depending on traffic) from work now.  Holy balls, it's nice to be this close to work.  Yay more sleep!  I love work.  I love that every day I learn something new and, in turn, I get to help others learn something new as well.  I am incredibly blessed that I get to work with such amazing people.  It's an amazing melting pot of different people, but I wouldn't trade them or what I'm doing for anything right now :)

It's bedtime for this Bonzo.  Hopefully, I'll start updating this more regularly.  We'll see.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

The Spreadsheet and Folio: Part Two

Ok everyone, where was I?  I had survived my two phone interviews and had been asked to come in for two different face-to-face interviews the week I returned from visiting California.  Fast-forward to this past Monday (July 22nd) evening.  After work, I went and helped out with my friends' kids and got home around 9:00ish.  I was exhausted, but I had to do my interview homework.  Homework? Yes, homework.  The sales job wanted me to bring in a typed-up research assignment.  This particular company is a logistics company that is essentially the middleman between trucking companies and the companies that make whatever products.  It wanted me to find three different carriers (one each that was primarily flatbed, dry goods, and refrigeration) with more than 50 trucks, headquarters address, and phone number.  Not terribly hard, but still a pain when I was super tired, and had to get up early to get ready for my other interview.

I found everything I needed and eventually got to bed pretty late (~midnight) when I had to get up at 5.  Not fun at all.  I was worried I was going to get up late or leave the house late, but I was fine.  I got down to Pasadena for the first interview of the day 40 minutes before my scheduled interview time.  Since I didn't want to be "that" person, I drove around and found a gas station parking lot to kill some time on my phone waiting.  I figured 15 minutes early was good.  I was so nervous.  The drive down was fine (about 45 minutes from my house) and the gas station waiting was fine, but once I pulled into the parking lot and started gathering my purse and folio (which, by the way, Andrew's awesome sister and brother-in-law gave me for Christmas, and was perfect!), I was inwardly a nervous wreck.  I could feel my hands starting to shake as I took the keys out of the ignition.

Don't forget, this is the job I really wanted.  I wanted this job because I felt like I could do a really great job at it.  At Irelan Hargis, I created and implemented their entire closed file network system, helping them go from storing physical documents in storage rooms to (almost) completely digital.  The job I wanted was similar, but also drastically different.  Not a law firm and I wasn't doing the actual scanning.  The company is an engineering consulting company that does inspections of and creates risk management plans for assets at oil and engineering companies around the world.  The job I was applying for looks at the scanned documents from the inspectors, extracts important data from each doc, compiles the data into a streamlined fashion, names and organizes the documents.  I was intrigued.  It sounded like it was something I could reasonably do, but also, was foreign enough to where I wasn't going to get bored anytime soon.  I wanted a challenge.  I love learning and this sounded like the next step I wanted to take.

When I first got there, I was taken into a conference room for preliminary testing before I had my interview.  I took an abbreviated Wonderlic test (only 15 questions, 7 minutes) and stumbled on the last math question.  I hate math, but whatever.  I figured I got everything else right, so I didn't worry about that part.  After the Wonderlic test, I was given a laptop with a Word doc open that was a set of instructions.  I had 20 minutes to finish the tasks.  It was super easy.  Copy some folders to the desktop, in folder 1, make a new folder, move file "aiudgf982etrksjf" into it (there were about 50 files with all similar gibberish file names and I had to pick the right one), open the file and rename it with the revision date found in the doc, open folder 2, make 3 new folders (receipts/invoices, inspection reports, drawings), open the 3 docs in folder 2 and place them in the corresponding new folders.  The last task was to recreate a simple table in Excel that was on the Word Doc.  Thinking back and I literally just now as I'm typing this, I realize I probably could have copy and pasted it...oh well.  I legitimately recreated it to a T with time to spare, even with the battery dying on the old ass laptop I was using.

Then came the interview.  Even though I was nervous, I wasn't as nervous as when I first walked in...if that makes any sense.  As I was waiting after the testing, I managed not to psych myself out, which, honestly, is a massive improvement for me.  The interview was pretty standard.  He asked me open-ended questions that specifically pertained to me, which allowed me to kind of ramble (in a good way) and not have to give boring stock interview question answers.  I was able to describe the work I do at Irelan Hargis, how I started the closed filing system, and what I'm doing right now as a file clerk.  

Like I said in my previous post, I was able to use my Kappa Delta leadership experience in my interview.  The interviewer asked me questions about my various experiences on my resume and I got to talk extensively about KD.  Between talking about how I became treasurer and VP - Standards and all my various duties (including being everyone's favorite person before and after events), I think he was pretty impressed.  For everyone out there doubting right now, you try being the Standards chair of a frat or sorority at a dry college campus and then try to tell me it's not that hard.  
After the interview, I asked what the next step was and they said I should I hear from someone in the next few days.  As I walked back to my car, I instantly started second guessing everything I had said in the interview.  Crap, I didn't ask enough questions, did me rambling about KD hurt my chances, did I seem too nervous?  All I could do was go home.  There was nothing else in my power to help me get that job.  It was a waiting game from then on.
Then came the next interview.  Well...

It wasn't enough time.  I woke up nauseous and even more tired than I was before.  I made the executive decision not to go to the second interview.  I didn't want that job.  I'm not a sales oriented person.  I don't want to work a job based solely on commission.  So I didn't go.  
It turns out.  I made the right choice :)  Typically, I don't like being woken up from naps.  I mean, seriously, who does?  So when my phone started ringing AND it was a weird number, I was pissed.  After my eyes came back into focus, I realized the number was from the area of my first job interview.  I cleared my throat and answered.  It was the awesome woman who had phone interviewed me!  I didn't get a chance to meet her during my face-to-face that morning so she was calling to touch base with me and see how I felt the interview went.  I told her that I thought that it went well.  I like Taylore and Pedro and really enjoyed the young vibe of the company in general.  She said she was glad that I liked the company and thought the interview went well because she had spoken with Pedro (the person who interviewed me) and he thought the interview went well too and the company wanted to extend the job to me.

I got a job.  I got a job!  I GOT A JOB!!!! I was happy and excited.  I still am happy and excited!  My last day at my old job is August 9th.  It's going to be extremely bittersweet.  I have learned so much and gained invaluable skills from working there over the years.  I'm going to miss everyone too :(  
But, more than anything, I'm excited!  I have a job!  I know that most people wouldn't spend two giant blog posts breaking down their quest for a particular job, but I'm not most people.  I have had a really rough year and, if I get down to the nitty-gritty, a rough few years.  I've felt a few times like I hit rock bottom, felt so bad that nothing ever seemed like it would ever be good again.  This past spring, as I fell my furthest and decided to leave grad school, I realized that "rock bottom" didn't have to such a bad thing.  Life could only get better from where I was.  My awesome counselor helped me get to that point.  Leaving school was the best decision for me and it's only going up from here.  THAT'S why me getting a job is such a big deal. 
Of course, now I just have everything else to worry about...eh, I'll just enjoy this while I can :)